Posts Tagged ‘retro’

Except if those heads belong to two blonde twins with a serious case of the stupids. Because after reading Sweet Valley Confidential, I have come to the conclusion that there is no fate worse than the Wakefields. They are the worst twins ever!

Well except for maybe these twins, because, ew.

Anyway to prepare you for this, I ask you to think back to high school, or perhaps say, junior high. You remember how you had that one friend you thought was supercool and who could pretty much do no wrong in your eyes? But then, you got older and you realized they were kind of a gigantic dickbag loser? That is what reading this book is like. You start out with happy memories and then watch them get slowly destroyed by poor continuity and even crappier writing.

When I was much younger, I thought that the Wakefields were the $h!t. I related heavily to Elizabeth because I fancied myself a thoughtful literary type, but there was part of me that wished I could be a little more like Jessica and possess more of her sultry, boy-nabbing qualities. In fact, when I was very young and used to steal my babysitter’s Sweet Valley High books, I remember thinking that it would be awesome to be a cheerleader. I have no idea why I thought this considering:
a) I am not a joiner,
b) I find all sports except hockey incredibly boring,
c) I am so uncoordinated I was once stabbed by a tree,
but there you have it. The seven-year-old heart wants what it wants.

But enough complaining, it’s time to get to the meat of the thing and start my recap. Needless to say, if you want to read the book and haven’t got the chance yet, this is your warning because HERE BE SPOILERS!

The book starts off with Elizabeth, who is now living in New York like the serious-minded good girl she is. No more being a bubble-headed California girl! She’s a real writer now! She is returning to her apartment after a dinner out with her boss when the phone rings. Because this is New York and therefore a scary, crime ridden place according to literature, it takes them too long to get into the apartment to answer the phone because of all of her door locks, so Elizabeth’s answering machine picks up instead.

It is Jessica, whose voice is whining codependantly at them through the speaker. Elizabeth ignores it. Elizabeth’s boss is baffled by the fact that the voice on the machine sounds exactly like Elizabeth and is somehow not her. You know, for someone who is supposed to be the mastermind behind the crappy theatre magazine she works for, he seems a little bit dumb, like, if you worked at it, you could manage to convince him that Elizabeth was a sorcerer.

Anyway, Elizabeth doesn’t want to talk about HER INFINITE SADNESS, so she gives her boss a glass of wine and considers sleeping with him to stop his annoying questions. She spends a moment drooling over his apparently doable body, but then decides better of it because she cries after her orgasms now. Aren’t you happy that Francine Pascal mentioned your childhood literary pal Elizabeth having orgasms? How thoughtful of her! I mean think of how much more enjoyable Little Women would have been if Louisa May Alcott had been saavy enough to mention Jo March’s favourite sexual position! Totally pertinant to the story and not creepy at all, right?

Oh, and also as a minor note, Elizabeth also doesn’t sleep with him because he’s her boss and, you know, professionalism and all that.

So, having decided that there are no sexytimes to be had, Elizabeth unceremoniously dismisses her boss from her apartment. She briefly thinks of calling her best friend Bruce Patman (I think I speak for all of us when I say WTF?!), but decides not to so she can truly Garbo it up and feel sorry for herself. I don’t know what it is you guys, but I think something superbad happened between Elizabeth and Jessica! Cue the sad music! This is mucho serious!

The next thing you know, we’re treated to a flashback of the twins in high school. They are driving to school and stop to pick up Elizabeth’s friend Enid Rollins who Jessica thinks is the lamest of the lame. They also discuss uberdreamy Todd Wilkins a.k.a. The Todd who Jessica thinks is going to invite her to “the big dance,” as though they don’t have dances ever damn day of the week in Sweet Valley.

Anyway, two funny things about this sequence:

1) It’s supposed to take place 10 years ago which is awesome because, going by the timeline of the books, the twins started high school in 1983 which means that they were either incredibly stupid, which I would totally believe, or time in Sweet Valley moves at a practically glacial pace, which is also possible considering how much crap the twins got up to. I mean with all the spa-based face stealing and werewolf boyfriend having and white supremacist battling they were doing, I would imagine they would have pretty packed schedules!

2) If this storyline is true to what happened in the original books, this means that this is the dance from the first Sweet Valley High book Double Love. Many things happen in that book, but two of the most noteworthy are The Todd mistaking Jessica for Liz and subsequently thinking Liz is a slut and deciding Jessica is more worthy of dating him and Jessica getting so mad at the fact that The Todd has no interest in her she fabricates a story that he tried to force himself on her so that Liz doesn’t like him anymore. But apparently, neither the slut shaming or the supposed sexual assault are a big deal to anyone and everything ties up in a nice happy bow at the end of the book. Sweet Valley: perpetuating horrible sexual standards since 1983!

Moving back into present day, Jessica is kvetching to The Todd about how Elizabeth is ignoring her. The word “Facebook” is used several times to indicate that Francine Pascal is hip and with it. This is not your Meemaw’s Sweet Valley y’all! . . . you know, in case you didn’t get that from the orgasm talk. They don’t get into everything that happened to cause the rift between the two sisters, but they tell us enough so that we know that Elizabeth and  The Todd, Sweet Valley’s Original OTP!, were engaged and about eight months ago, he left her for Jessica and now they are getting married instead. Oooh burn!

To throw old Sweet Valley lovers a bone, Jessica and  The Todd head over to a party at Lila Fowler’s house. I have discussed my love for haughty Miss Lila before, so I won’t get into it again, but Lila is criminally underused in this book. If anyone should be calling the twins on their crap, it’s her, but instead she just stays in the background, wearing tiny shorts. Remember when your Viscount husband tragically died and then you hooked $h!t up with Bruce Patman in the forest, Lila? That was awesome! You are better than this! Now Lila’s only defining characteristic – aside from the tiny shorts – is that she is married to Ken Matthews. To jog your memory, Ken was the Aryan posterchild who played football in high school . . . and as a grown up, he plays in the NFL. That is what you call smooth character development, people! Actually just to stay on Ken for a minute as this is an interesting tidbit: in the high school, he dated Olivia Davidson who was crushed to death by a fridge during a horrible earthquake at the series’ end. However, when the twins came back from their first University break in SVU, Olivia was at a party they attended. So Ken has actually dated a zombie, which is pretty progressive if you think about it.

But back to the party. In attendance are:
– Elizabeth’s old soccer playing high school boyfriend Jeffrey French. He is now a dentist and has a boring nameless wife.
– Sweet Valley Gossip Monger Caroline Pearce. She apparently had cancer (SAD!) and now runs a gossip website that gets upwards of 500 hits a day!
– Elizabeth’s old Debbie Downer friend Enid Rollins. She is now a gyno doc and has become a crazy right wing conservative . . . but apparently, she’s not too conservative to knock boots with . . .
– A.J. Morgan. AJ Morgan was apparently some hot ginger kid Jessica was into. He works as a shoe salesman at the mall.
And to round out the group, we have:
-Former fatty cheerleading captain Robin Wilson. She is apparently a caterer now and Jessica is impressed she hasn’t gorged herself to death on all the free food.

It seems kind of weird to me that a bunch of these people were Elizabeth’s friends and are now at Lila and Ken’s party, but I guess that all of them are pals now. Or they all belong to some secret underground Stonecutter’s cult and this is a meeting or something. At least that would be interesting, which is more than what I can say for the book thus far. Let’s pretend, shall we?

Who condescends with every glace?
Who wears some nifty jumpsuit pants?
We do! We do!
Who has a sister looking mom?
Who spikes the punch at jungle prom?
We do! We do!

Sorry, but I really needed to listen to that song. So yes, we’re at Lila and Ken’s palatial estate for num-nums or whatever and everyone is kind of standing around bored, until Caroline Pearce makes the tragic mistake of asking about Elizabeth which sends Jessica into a rage. Jessica is so pissed in fact that she yells “You’re sick!” at Caroline who is currently regrowing her hair after chemo which . . . yeah . . . awkward. Jessica storms out of the party, The Todd in tow, but not before yelling at Lila for having the nerve to invite Caroline to her own house for her own party. *sigh*

Switching coasts back to New York, Elizabeth is heading out to interview some playwright guy for the crappy theatre magazine she works for. The playwright’s name is Will Connolly and addition to being a prick (language!), he is a dead ringer for The Todd! *gasp* Seeing this of course, sends Elizabeth into flashback land . . .

Where she and The Todd are in college and supposed to go to a party. However, Elizabeth’s superior physical makeup (stunning aquamarine eyes and size six figure!) wasn’t enough to keep her from catching the plague, so she is not well enough to go. Instead she suggests that The Todd go with Jessica . . .

In a weird bit of happenstance – perhaps they’re in the Matrix?- Jessica and The Todd are remembering the same party . . .
Where people mistake Jessica for Elizabeth and Jessica and The Todd decide that it’s fun and don’t bother correcting them because they are both kind of into it . . . and in a creepy turn, they sort of forget that they were pretending and then head back to The Todd’s apartment to bone. Just . . . so many . . . wrong things about that.

Back in present day NYC, Elizabeth runs into Will a.k.a. Prick Todd at a bar and they start drinking together. They are served by random Irish stereotype bartender Liam who Elizabeth notes, is so hot her favourite cheaty twin sister Jessica would be all over him. This of course leads to a discussion about family and relationships and drama, things that Prick Todd and Elizabeth have in common. They bond over this and then Prick Todd invites her back to his apartment where they fool around a bit. Go Elizabeth! You get your mack on!

Elizabeth heads home after some decent heavy petting and gets a call from her mom. Apparently, her grandmother is celebrating her 80th birthday and they want Elizabeth to return to Sweet Valley for her birthday party. Elizabeth says no way, but then thinks that perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad if she had Prick Todd come with her as her date. She calls him up and tries to lure him into her trap asks him to come with her but with his play only a couple of weeks from launching, he tells her that he can’t afford to get away. He does however joke that Elizabeth should bring hot Irish sterotype Liam with her to use as boy bait for stupid flaky Jessica. So the fool, I’m afraid she gets thinking . . .

A dangerous pasttime I know. But that crazy blonde bitch is her sister and her fidelity’s only so so . . . So the wheels in her head they get turning as Liz thinks of that loony old tart, see, with quite cunning use of that dumb Irish dude, little Lizzy can split them apart!

But before it gets too good, we’re back in flashbackland again. This time we’ve moved up from Jessica and The Todd boning on his futon to a mere 8 months ago where Jessica is married to a dude named Regan. You remember the name Regan, don’t you Jess? He was president when you first started high school! Anyway, Regan is Jess’ husband (second one by my count!) and he’s much older and basically pays for her to shop and jetset around the world. However, Jess is unhappy. Apparently, he doesn’t like to party enough and he gets jealous when she flashes her boobs at other guys. I know, right? What a monster. So, six months into being married for a second time before she hits 30, Jessica decides that she wants to end the relationship. Instead of talking to him about it like an adult, she lets him believe that he’s taking her shopping for the millionth time and then ditches him to run off to the airport where she catches a plane back to Sweet Valley. My eyes are rolling so hard in my head right now, I am afraid they’ll get stuck at an odd angle.

Oh and a couple of sidenotes before we head back into present day:
1) Steven Wakefield is now a successful lawyer and is married to Cara Walker. According to Jessica, Steven cheats on Cara regularly and Cara copes by turning into one of those girls who eat their feelings.
2) Winston Egbert developed some software or something that he made a bunch of money on and now everyone says he’s a jerk. You know, considering what a prick everyone else in Sweet Valley is, I have to wonder what the hell Winston did to make everyone hate him. I mean is he running a child prostitution ring or hosting dogfights? Because from what I’ve seen so far, I think Winston’s golden.

Back to present day for a double shot of the twins!
In NYC, Elizabeth goes back to the bar where Liam works and pumps him for personal information. When she finds out that he in fact has family in California, she manipulates him into coming to the party for “Grandmommy” (yuck).
In Sweet Valley, we learn that Jessica works for an environmentally conscious cosmetics company. We also learn that her boss has the hots for her, but Jessica has too much integrity . . .

Sorry, I had to stop for a minute there since my eyes were watering from the hysterical laughter . . . Jessica has too much integrity to sleep with him and instead heads home to The Todd. This gets her to thinking about the past and when she came back to Sweet Valley after escaping her tyrannical husband.

In flashbackland, Jessica is living with Elizabeth and The Todd. Elizabeth thinks that Jessica and The Todd are getting on eachothers nerves, but anyone with eyes can see that they are really just sporting wood/ladywood for eachother. To get out of the house and away from The Todd so they don’t accidentally have sex again, Jessica goes for a walk on the beach and comes upon her brother who is locked in a loving embrace with . . . not Lila as many first supposed, but Aaron Dallas!

Steven Wakefield’s totally gay, everybody! I think this deserves a super sassy dance break because it is the first interesting thing that’s happened all book!

It’s Mercutio from The Edge! He seems to be having a much better time in this video than he ever did being mauled by THE EVIL BEAR.

There are many back and forth flashbacks to Steven’s new gayness but for the sake of not jumping around so much, let me just keep it all in one tidy section.

Steven was out and about running Wakefieldian errands one day when he ran into Aaron. They had been friendly in high school but never really close, so Steven gets caught up with Aaron quickly. Apparently after high school, Aaron went off to a real University (Stanford) and studied architecture. After that, he lived in San Francisco for a while (I think this is Francine Pascal’s version of a pink flag) before coming back to Sweet Valley. I am not  really sure why, after living in a place as exciting and progressive as San Francisco, one would want to come back to Sweet Valley. It’s like a crazy sinkhole for hopes and dreams! But yeah, he’s back and they arrange to get together. The night that they are supposed to meet, Steven doesn’t tell Cara where he’s going and he gets really excited at every dude who walks in the door thinking it’s Aaron. They hang out in the bar for a bit before Aaron tells Steven that they are heading back to his (Aaron’s) place. Holy $h!t, you guys! Steven Wakefield is keeping it on the downlow! Fifteen minutes in a Chili’s with Aaron Dallas and he’s totally up for gay sex! And those jalapeno poppers weren’t even laced with anything so he can claim ignorance later! And now I am wondering if he is a top or bottom! Aah! My head is so filled with questions! Why, Francine Pascal? Why are you putting these things in my head?

So Jessica knows and Steven is freaking out because everyone else still thinks he’s straight and he’s not ready to tell them that he isn’t yet . . . and you know guys, I’m not really one for advocating spousal deception, but knowing a lot of people who have come out, it can be heart-breakingly difficult. Coming out, even when the people around you support you, is hard. Because there are a lot of people who won’t support you and those assholes can be loud and mean and sometimes they carry rocks as one of my awesome friends learned the hard way. Hell, putting aside other people, even just admitting it to yourself can be a major emotional struggle. According to this book, Steven not only just discovered he liked dudes in his late twenties, but he just discovered it like a month ago and now he’s forced into the awkward situation of having to incidentally come out to a family member. It’s scary.

Steven begs Jessica not to tell anyone yet because he kind of needs to process this himself and figure out how to deal with his own personal situation and Jessica agrees. Well, let me amend that. Jessica agrees for about five seconds, then drives over to Steven’s house and interrupts one of Cara’s marathon pie baking sessions to out Steven to her. Jessica does this as she thinks it is her duty to get involved and believes that Steven will thank her for it later. Because it’s better to be dragged out of the closet than to come out of your own accord. Man, Jessica, sometimes (by which I mean all the time) you are one cold, conceited bitch.

Back to our present non-outing time, Liz has lunch with Prick Todd and tells him she took his advice and is now bringing yummy yummy mantreat Liam with her to her grandmother’s birthday. Will is like “Yeah, I was joking about that, you lunatic. That is a supreme bad idea and you will live to regret it.” You know, Prick Todd, you actually speak some decent sanity! I’m changing your name to Nonprick Todd! Unfortunately, the sanity is not really working for Liz who is annoyed that someone is finally calling her on her bull$h!t and, instead of directing her anger at her stupid no-good sister and stupid no-good The Todd, she turns on Nonprick Todd and yells “Fuck you!” right in his face. According to Elizabeth, she is 27-years-old and that is the first time she has ever said those words. Seriously, Liz? You’ve never even song along to this song?

(Yes, this is the real song with the real swear word in it so if you’re at work, sport some headphones. The clean version drives me crazy.)

After she swears at Nonprick Todd like a Tourette’s Sufferer and runs back to her apartment, she decides the most awesome thing to do is to call up her bestie Bruce and discuss the grandmother birthday party happenings. As it is, he has already been invited to the party by Mrs. Wakefield to act as Liz’s pseudodate, so he’s feeling a little put out that Liz is now bringing her own party guest. And why is Bruce feeling so put out, you might ask? Because he secretly loves her!

Flashing back to some years ago, Bruce’s parents got in a horrible accident and were both rushed to the hospital where they both later died. However, while poor Bruce was waiting to discover their fates in the hospital, Elizabeth came to be with him. In fact, she came every day and held his hand when no one else would. It was one of the few things that got him through that horrible time and it made him realize that he truly loved her. Oh my God, you guys, is Bruce Patman my favourite character in this book? Because I think he is.

At some point, before the truth is revealed to Liz, Bruce finds out that Jessica and Todd have been carrying on behind her back. Bruce wants to tell her, but is incredibly conflicted because he feels like he would just be telling her for his own personal gain and that would be kind of malicious. These doubts are removed from his mind when, over burgers at local restaurant, Elizabeth tells him that she and The Todd are close to setting a wedding date. Not wanting her to marry a man who is secretly horrible to her, Bruce bucks up the courage to tell her the truth when Ken Matthews runs into the diner they are sitting in (because there was an APB out on them?) to announce what is the most surreal and thankless thing that happens in the entire book.

Winston Egbert is dead.

. . .

I cannot even tell you how annoyed by this I am. Winston gets one scene in this entire book where he is actually present and do you want to know what that scene is? He almost unknowingly spilled the beans about Jessica and The Todd cheating (he shared the apartment with The Todd and thought he and Elizabeth were having sex in it) and then The Todd moved out and totally dumped him as a friend because he was scared Winston would rat him out! So from there on out, none of his friends talked to him and he was completely abandoned! And then, all anyone did was talk about what a dickbag they thought he was! Until one day, when he got sad and drunk and fell off his balcony and died! All Winston ever wanted to do was to make people laugh and have friends and wear glasses and then, for the sake of drama, Francine Pascal unceremoniously offed him! What the suck, dude?!

While Elizabeth and Bruce are off at the diner hearing about poor dead Winston, Steven has been home and I guess been confronted by Cara about the whole gay thing and the fact that Jessica told her. So, as he is super angry at Jessica – and kind of rightly so since it was not her secret to tell – he barges over to Elizabeth and The Todd’s where Jessica is staying and yells in her face about it. Steven calls Jessica a selfish bitch (AMEN!) and because she can’t deal with being confronted with her $h!tty behaviour (doesn’t that sound familiar, LIZ?!), she starts to cry. The Todd, being a sucker for a damsel in distress, goes to comfort her and the comfort turns to kissing and Elizabeth walks in on them . . . except she isn’t really looking at them and doesn’t see what they’re doing so, instead, she assumes someone told them about Winston and they are comforting each other. Bruce, however, totally sees them and thinks they’re jerks.

Later at Winston’s funeral, Jessica gets all sappy and sad about his passing and Elizabeth actually thinks that Jessica is sorry for how crappily she treated Winston, but it is totally a ploy to get Elizabeth to agree that forgiveness is important. If it’s not a self-serving bitch, then it’s not Jessica Wakefield.

Sometime after the funeral, Jessica’s rich old husband Regan shows up at Elizabeth and The Todd’s place in Sweet Valley. I am not really sure to what real end since he doesn’t seem to have divorce papers or even be all that invested in getting Jessica back. But Regan does totally see Jessica and The Todd jonesing for each other which he manages to point out to Elizabeth before scooting away in his sports car.

Elizabeth finally totally notices the fact that they’re kind of inches away from doing it again and she confronts them. They are so lame that they neither try to deny it or apologize for it. C’mon The Todd! At least, play her a meaningful song or something! In fact, I have the perfect one!

“I know you won’t believe it’s true, I only went with her ’cause she looks like you!”

And that is the last flashback! THANK FREAKING GOD!

In now permanent present time, Elizabeth has arrived at Grandmommy’s birthday with man-bait Liam. There is some reference to how this is just like a movie (Picture Perfect?) except that Liam doesn’t sound as charming as Jay Mohr. Much to Elizabeth’s irritation, Jessica doesn’t seem interested in Liam but Liam seems hella-interested in Jessica and keeps fawning all over her. This makes The Todd pretty angry and before you know it, all the Wakefield siblings are fighting and Alice is yelling at Ned to “bring out the fucking cake!” I kind of like that Alice has finally reached her limit with her stupid scheming children to the point that she starts yelling about fucking cake in the middle of her octagenarian mother’s birthday. That’s kind of boss.

Elizabeth leaves Sweet Valley and heads back to New York where she still has to interview Nonprick Todd. I’m going to switch it back to Will now because I am tired of typing the word Todd more than I have to. She is a little stressed out about how it’s going to go due to the “Fuck you!” face-shouting incident, but he somehow apologies to her and they manage to get through the interview relatively painlessly. Then, when the interview is over, out of both horniness and a desire to keep him from asking questions about her family, Elizabeth has sex with Will. And she doesn’t even cry once! Hooray? I don’t know about you, but I think it’s kind of creepy that Elizabeth is constantly using sex to shut dudes up. Is her vagina some sort of crazy cone of silence? Does sex with her cause select muteness? I don’t get it.

So after sex with her interview subject (at least it’s slightly more professional than sex with her boss?), Liz returns home to her apartment to find Jessica waiting for her. Jessica has apparently left The Todd! *sigh* For Christ Sakes, you stupid moron! You are pushing 30 now! Running away should no longer be your go-to relationship move. Because, seriously? Relationships can be hard. Sure, there are awesome, kick ass, fun times, but there are other times that are not so fun where people lose their jobs or your sex drives are at odds or one of you gets sick or whatever. And part of loving someone – I mean truly loving someone – is realizing that no matter what you are enduring at the moment, you’re enduring it with your partner because you are a team and they have your back. That’s what love is. Getting through life together. And you know what? At the end of the day, sometimes getting through the crappy parts together means more. Getting through all the great stuff together is nothing, because anyone can stand by you through the great stuff. It takes someone who loves you to hold your hand and help you make it through the hellish parts. Grownups don’t run!

And yes, readers, I do realize that I just lectured a fictional character but it annoyed me so much I had to. Make of my mental state what you will.

Back to the twins. Jessica starts crying over The Todd and Elizabeth sees that she loves him and with like five teardrops, their 8 month feud is at an end. Can you believe it? Jessica’s tears must be made of diamonds or something because I have never gotten out of anything that easily.

Jessica heads back home to be with The Todd and Elizabeth stays in New York to finish her article and see Will’s play. The play does pretty well and Liz is happy for Will but she realizes when she sees him with his ex-girlfriend that she is not in love with him and that they are better off as friends. Is this a mature decision from Miss Elizabeth Wakefield? Did someone switch the book I am reading? Because I don’t believe it.

I also don’t believe it when Elizabeth heads back to Sweet Valley to be Jessica’s Maid of Honour in her Wedding to Elizabeth’s long time boyfriend. When Wakefields mend fences, they do it with iron posts, bitch! But before she goes and deals with wedding stuff, Elizabeth pops by to see Bruce Patman who has big news. First, he tells her he sold his house in Sweet Valley (for $10,000 less that they buyers were willing to pay because he doesn’t care about money anymore. Is this really Bruce Patman?!) and second, he’s moving to New York because he loves her and wants to be where she is. Bruce Patman is my favourite character in this whole book you guys! What is up with the universe?!

Now I could go into the description that follows of them having sex, but I am going to forego that creepiness and instead post another song because that is how I role today. But know this – Elizabeth Wakefield has taut nipples!

Let the soothing sounds of Mr. Big wash that mental image out of your head.
I know bands don’t have slogan, but if they did, theirs should have been “Mr. Big = Huge hair. Rhythmic clapping. Denim.”

So both Wakefield sisters end up with people who have personalities that match their opposing twin. Snarky and brash Jessica marries sensitive and thoughtful The Todd and sensitive and thoughtful Elizabeth is lovers with snarky and brash Bruce! I am sure there is some sort of weird Freudian theory that this is an example of, but the book’s happy ending is Jessica and Todd’s wedding, so I don’t want to get too far into that.

Mini character recaps for anyone who is interested:
Bill Chase – The surfer dude who dated Dee Dee Gordon back in the day married a female basketball player.
Mr. Collins (Roger, if you’re nasty) – The twins’ old English teacher is in a long term relationship but never got remarried. His son is at UCLA.
Lila Fowler – Divorced Ken and attended Jessica’s wedding with Jeffrey French who seems to have lost the wife he was saddled with a couple of hundred pages ago.
Ken Matthews – Divorced Lila and was injured in the NFL but now works as a commentator.
DeeDee Gordon – Bill’s ex is a working artist.
Charlie Markus – Married Annie Whitman, the slutty cheerleader that Jessica and her friends almost pushed to commit suicide. He is a writer.
Annie Whitman – Married Charlie and has a baby now (see what all your slutty, slutty sex has led to, Annie?)
Betsey Martin – Still the crazy drunken sister of beautiful dead Tricia Martin, Steven’s first girlfriend.
A.J. Morgan – Broke up with Enid but still selling Reeboks.
Enid Rollins – Broke up with A.J. Morgan, planning to run for city council.
Roger Barrett Patman – Bruce’s illegitimate cousin. Works as a music producer and is married to a rock star.
Caroline Pearce – Still recovering from cancer. Still a gossip.
Nicky Shephard – Former Sweet Valley bad boy. Now in AA.
Cara Walker – Divorced from Steven. A math student baking her way to a Masters degree.
Robin Wilson – Still a caterer. Still surprisingly thin according to Jessica.
Bruce Patman – Once a snide rich kid, now reformed by the love of Elizabeth.
Aaron Dallas – Steven Walkfield’s boyfriend.
Alice Wakefield – Still the twins’ mom and survivor of breast cancer because Francine Pascal needed to give her another character trait in the epilogue.
Ned Wakefield – Still the twins’ dad and a successful lawyer.
Todd Wilkins – Married to Jessica and clueless about what a harpy she is.
Elizabeth Wakefield – Twin sister of Jessica, now happily sexing it up with her lover Bruce.
Jessica Wakefield – Married to Todd, twin sister of Elizabeth and learner of no pertinant lessons whatsoever.

As for poor Winston, if you were hoping he might get a last second reprieve from his drunken balcony death like Olivia got a last minute reprieve from that stupid refrigerator, it looks like you are shit out of luck as he remains dead.

Poor, poor Winston.

So that is the entire book. Now don’t get me wrong, it was pretty awful, but I also fully acknowledge that if she writes another one, I will still be all over that garbage because there’s nothing quite like a good train wreck. Oh Sweet Valley, you are totally, yet fascinatingly, awful.

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I am not, nor have I ever been, a girly girl. The closest I ever came was a weird era in the late ’80s where I insisted on wearing skirts and dresses all the time while climbing trees. I’m not sure why I thought this was a good idea as it resulted in many ripped outfits or my ass hanging out half the time, but I guess as a five-year-old, I wasn’t that concerned about wardrobe destruction or panty-flashing.

Anyway, one of the few offerings I made to the altar of estrogen growing up was being a pretty avid fan of the Sweet Valley series. I’ve mentioned this before, but I followed those Wakefield twins through thick and thin. Grade School (Sweet Valley Kids), Middle School (Sweet Valley Twins), High School (Sweet Valley High) and Post-Secondary (Sweet Valley University), we went through many years together. Common sense and continuity be damned! The Wakefield girls were my girls . . . And man, were they ever mean girls sometimes! I’ve only realized this more as an adult, but what sanctimonious little pricks they were to some of their friends. I mean Lila was generally thought of as “the group bitch”, but she was the respectable kind of bitch. In that way, she was kind of like Sweet Valley‘s own James Spader. She didn’t hide the fact that she was an asshole under a bunch of bumbling and cutesy gestures ANDREW MCCARTHY– she owned it and you knew what you were getting with her.

Anyway, my lovely and much more girly sister-in-law reminded me of the series again this morning when she posted a link on my Facebook wall to an interview with Francine Pascal (the all-knowing creator god of the Sweet Valley Universe) who was talking about this . . .

*And the angelic choir sang the praises of the Wakefield clan*

I wasn’t that excited about it because this book is practically Sweet Valley folk lore at this point. There has been talk time and time again that there was going to be a book following the Wakefields & their plucky pals post-grad, but the reports were always riddled with errors and the release date of the book was never firm, so I was sceptical the thing would ever see the light of day.

Until, apparently, now because, unbeknowst to me, the book was released yesterday and my nearby bookstore has 43 copies of it! Hells ya!

So needless to say, I will be heading over to the bookstore at lunch because Sweet Valley, she is my lady crack**. I am so addicted to the ridiculous, manufactured drama of it that I need . . . nay, have to read what happens to those blonde bitches next! Woot! So excited! Trashy book, here I come!

(A reading and a detailed recap will be coming shortly.)

*And something that I didn’t mention in my Andrew McCarthy Sucks! post but that I should have was that, when Andie and Blaine (blech!) finally get back together and kiss and whatever, they’re in like an alley or a parking lot or whatever with none of his stupid jerk friends around so he’s still ashamed of her! Pretty easy to deliver big speeches about how much integrity you have when you don’t actually have to have any balls to back it up, eh Blaine? At least Danny Zuko who, don’t get me wrong, I also have problems with danced with Sandy in front of everyone at the carnival thingy! Bah! HATE!
**You know, I just realized that by calling a post “Lady Crack,” I am probably opening my blog up to a bunch of really unsavoury blog search terms but my brain is so clouded with happy ridiculous thoughts that I don’t care. Sorry, perverts!

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My life these days seems to have a fair number of children in it. Many of my girlfriends had babies last year (I believe the final total was 16) so I am often buying baby gifts. I spent a fair bit of time with my niece and this weekend in fact, Boy and I are babysitting as some friends of ours (who have three kids, ages 4 to 10) sneak off for a romantic weekend sans brood.

While I used to babysit hardcore in high school – I even took the babysitting course through our local community centre – I actually went through a long child-free period in my early twenties and am now adapting to the whole experience of dealing with children who are less like peers and more like progeny. Your realms of interest and knowledge become less entertwined and you realize that a lot of your references are lost on people of another generation. In fact, the more time that passes, the more you become accutely aware that you’re going to have to explain a lot of the things you love or that were cultural touchstones when you were growing up. Cartoons, movies, games, toys etc. that you just take for granted as being a part of your life are completely unknown entities to someone who is 4 or 8 or even 10.

As people who are currently child-free, one of the things we often discuss with our clan-laiden friends are how and when to introduce bits of pop culture nerdery to children. Over the course of these conversations, a major topic of contention is Star Wars. There are three schools of thought here:

1) “The Chronies”: People who have championed the idea of showing them in chronological order (1,2,3,4,5,6) because that progression works from bad to good.
2) “The Retroists”: People who say you start old and go new (4,5,6,1,2,3) because that was the way we experienced them.
3) “The Classicals”: People who will under no circumstances show their children the new triology and will aggressively deny the existance of 1,2, and 3.

While we haven’t worked out our own Star Wars strategy yet, we’ve definitely discussed the random bits of nerdery we definitely want to introduce our future spawn. Some things that we love that we want the next generation to love too:

1. Lego/Playmobil: Boy is in Camp Lego and I am in Camp Playmobil. Tying into the Star Wars issue, Boy has an incredibly large collection of Star Wars Lego that he keeps in a glass display case in our apartment and he is exceptionally proud of the fact he has collected many Star Wars minifigs. None of this eBay crap for him! He got those five stormtroopers piece by freaking piece, people! As for me, I have a very large collection of those Victorian Playmobil that is currently being stored at my parents house which is pretty much in mint condition. Though I did not actively play with it, in high school on the ocassional sick day, I would sometimes pull all of it out and set it up to look at it in a nerdy, completist sort of way. It is a weird dream of ours that our children will sort of mesh the two and build a giant lego tower which will be the site of a fight involving Playmobile Dinosaurs and Gladiators.

Too awesome not to post - Playmobil Beatles!

2. Old School Monopoly: None of that crap with debit cards or fancy fake properties. We’re going to plan it with paper money and screw our friends up by building hotels on Park Place. Oh, and I’m going to be the little Scottie dog, thanks!

Whoever came up with this doesn't understand that half the fun of Monopoly is subtly cheating with the paper money!

3. Early Simpsons Episodes: I am good with The Simpsons up to about Season 8 as I think the Hank Scorpio episode was that season. Beyond that, I just don’t care. The longer that the show has been on, the more rambling it’s gotten, the less it’s focused on the core family dynamic and the more deviation from canon there has been. In my mind, Homer and Marge got together in the 1970s after her crappy prom date with Arnie Ziff, not in the 1990s when they lived in a Melrose Place-esqe apartment building and Homer fronted a grunge band. The only grunge references allowed are when Homer tours with Lollapalooza as part of their freak show!

Boy and I often jokingly reference "The Hammock District."

4. The Muppets: One of Boy’s favourite movies is The Muppet Christmas Carol and I have grown to love it as well. We have all the old Muppet movies and we hope that our kids find them charming too. (But Muppets in Space can be forgotten. Sorry Gonzo!)

This is what Christmas is all about - adorable Muppets!

5. Mystery Science Theatre 3000: Making fun of things is one of our favourite things so Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is right up our alley. I’m not sure if our kids are going to be raised in the church of Joel (Boy) or Mike (Me), but it will be an interesting battle.

Boy likes Joel's dry wit and I like Mike's sheer wackiness.

6.The Hunger Games Books: I am a meganerd for these books. In fact, I have a little nerdy token that I wear pinned to my winter coat to show my love of the Suzanne Collins books. I like that they’re so action packed. I like that the main character is a strong girl. I like that neither of the love interests is an obvious dick. Very eager to share them with kids.

If you haven't read these, you are missing out. So much fun.

7. The Terry Prachett Discworld Series: Want to know a secret? The name Boy and I have picked out for if we have a boy some day is partially stolen from a Discworld book. I have only read a handful of his books – maybe 6 – but they really make me laugh and I love pouring over the language of them. The way Prachett can turn a phrase is a thing of beauty.

Librarians say "Ook!"

8. Degrassi Junior High/Degrassi High: I specify because I do not care for Degrassi: TNG. As far as I am concerned, Degrassi is all about Spike, Caitlyn, Wheels, Snake, Lucy and a little behatted devil-may-care rapscallion by the name of Joey Jeremiah. I love how the episodes such a time capsule of their era and I love how stripped down everything looks, which is probably my biggest complaint about the new series. Childhood/teenage years are often pretty messy and I like that they have such a straight forward, non-glossy attitude about them. Super watchable.

How adorably retro!

9. Retro Kids Movies: I didn’t want to do separate list items for all of them, so I am lumping them all together. The Sandlot, Return to Oz, The Wizard, The Goonies, Labrynth, Troop Beverly Hills, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Ghostbusters, E.T., and The Princess Bride will all be watched  with reverence.

I watched this a while ago, and it's still kind of great. "The kid is an L7 weenie!"

10. Cthulhu/Conan: Boy is really obsessed with the writing of H.P. Lovecraft and Robert E. Howard, so he wants to introduce whatever kids we have to their stuff. I am not quite sure how it’s not going to be total nightmare fuel, but I at least have some ideas about good things to start them with . . .

A Children's Book based on some of Lovecraft's Mythology. Because that needs to exist.

So bloggerinos, what kind of things can’t you wait to introduce your offspring/extended family/friends kids to? Let me in on your nerdy childhood obsessions!

P.S. Also, if you haven’t seen this, it needs to be watched. What kid didn’t try to use the force after seeing Star Wars for the first time?

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I went out with my Dad last night for dinner and yoga and we got to talking about how there are certain things that are very much “of an era.” If you produced them at any other moment they might go unnoticed, but if you hit that sweet spot on the timeline, they become this insane phenomenon because they are representational of everything about that era.

Jagged Little Pill - If you didn't buy this album when it came out, I'm going to assume you were dead or not born yet.

One such zeitgeist led to the popularity of Alanis Morissette in 1995. The boys had had their fun with their mumbling lo-fi guitar rock and now it was the girls’ turn. And after the bubblegum pink candy rock we’d had to endure during the Tiffany/Debbie Gibson abomination of the late 1980s, we had to go in a different direction which opened the doors pretty wide for Alanis’ brand of bitch rock to come growling through.

I was 13 when Jagged Little Pill came out and man, did that album hit me hard. It was kind of funny on the surface. I hadn’t gone on a date yet and I hadn’t really had any notable physical contact with boys at that point, and there I was, jamming out to a song which openly discussed things like fellatio and fucking. But at the end of the day, that wasn’t really the point. The point was the visceral experience of the thing, and the first time I heard “You Oughta Know,” I knew it was a major game changer. It was like someone had taken all of the omnidirectional angst and stress and unnamed sexual frustration I was experiencing and turned the mess of them into something useful and beautiful.

For those of you who might be reading who haven’t experienced it, – hey boys – it is incredibly hard to reconcile the transition from a girl to woman. People often make you feel you’re supposed to be forging ahead into womanhood in this confident, elegant manner. But it is not like that. AT. ALL.

Your emotions are on some tripped-out, nauseating rollercoaster ride. Your body is constantly betraying you by twisting and stretching and ballooning in all sorts of new and horrible ways*. But perhaps the thing that is worse than all of that is the fact that you are still in that stage of life where things are not really in your control. Things happen to, but are mostly not initiated by, you because you don’t have the knowledge or the wherewithal to do that yourself yet.

So instead you sit, angry and pimple-faced, off to the side, just hoping and wishing and waiting for something to happen, to feel sated, to let the low and steady growl of angst that has been building inside of you release somehow.

And that was why Alanis Morissette worked for me. She was angry the way I couldn’t logically give myself permission to be, so instead I embraced the music and released with it. I loved listening and imagining myself as an older person with real problems, but in the more immediate sense, I also really enjoyed singing along and saying the word “fuck.” I mean how decadent did it feel being 13 and swearing? The guttural stomach-dropping sound of the “fu” and the crisp edge of the “ck” made it so much fun to say, plus you got the thrill of feeling like a total badass**.

So anyway, that album pretty much lived inside my boombox – yes kiddos, I had a boombox – for a year. I think it was only when I could no longer stand the sound of it due to CanCon that I moved onto something else***, but even then, I remember being really stoked about the idea of Alanis resurfacing in a couple of years to blow my now fully teenaged socks off.

And then came Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie . . .

The thing about that album was, it was always going to be disappointing. Always.  The world was no longer Alanis’ to have. Jagged Little Pill sold 33 million copies and spawned 6 singles. It was the biggest selling debut album of all time and spent a year in Billboard’s top 20. So, hitting it big like that, what can you really do? Well, you have two options. You can either produce Angry Bitch Rock, Vol. 2 at which point, you’ll be branded uninspired and derivative, or you can try something new . . . which she did by producing a zened out I Do Yoga Now maharashi phase type album. So it was no shock when this new album with its new direction saw diminishing returns. People weren’t interested in well-adjusted Alanis. They wanted to see her stomping around in the desert with stringy hair and speculate about whether or not she’d actually boned Dave Coulier.

Therefore, unfortunately, it was never quite the same for Alanis again. No matter how hard she tried to pull us back under her spell with new albums****, she couldn’t recapture the love we had in the mid nineties.

But the good times were good, and for that, I salute the woman. Thanks for the angry shouty times, sweetie. They were the best.

 *By the way, thanks menstrual cycle for kicking off at age 10 – you really made the 5th grade fun!
** Unfortunately for me, I got a little too bold with my swearing in front of my parents one day and earned quite the smack across the face for it. Ouch.
*** The Cranberries “I Can’t Be With You.” This was my heartbreak jam through most of high school. *sigh*
**** Including an acoustic rerelease of Jagged Little Pill which, really, Alanis? That’s like neutering the junkyard dog! The entire appeal was that he was snarly and pissy! We don’t want to see him wimpering and licking his crotch in the corner! Not cool!

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A little while ago on the blog, I said I would make custom mixes for anyone who wanted one. The lovely Meg responded that she was a Canadian stranded out in the wilds of America and would love to hear some sounds of home.

Since various life craziness got in the way of my pulling together the mix, I am making it up to her by sending not one but two Canadian mixes.

A map of our home in native land. I think for the first several years of geography, all I did was colour maps like this.

My strategy was this – The first disc would be old school Can Con and the second disc would be more modern stuff. Here’s a look at what I put on.

Mix Number One: Maple Syrup Flavoured Homesickness
American Woman – The Guess Who: What else is suitable for a Canadian ex-pat?
The Beat Goes On/Switch Into Glide – The Kings: My dad used to play me this song on vinyl when I saw a kid. I still love the line “Nothing matters but the weekend from a Tuesday point of view.”
Black Cars – Gino Vannelli: Even growing up I thought Gino Vannelli was kind of a cheesemeister, which is why I had to add it to my mix.
Don’t Forget Me (When I’m Gone) – Glass Tiger: Who could forget the celtic sounds of Glass Tiger? When I was a kid, this was one of the three tapes my mom owned. The other two were Rick Astley and the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Do not ask me why.
Echo Beach – Martha & The Muffins: Apparently, Martha & The Muffins released their first disc of new music in 18 years back in February. I haven’t heard it, but to me, they will always be this song.
Eyes Of A Stranger – The Payolas: A little splash of Vancouver new wave, this band was on hiatus from 1989-2003 and then reformed to produce more music, however I cannot name another song they did.
Hasn’t Hit Me Yet – Blue Rodeo: I mulled including this song or “Lost Together” which was actually my brother and sister in-law’s wedding song. I went with this one because it referenced Lake Ontario.
High School Confidential – Rough Trade: A sultry song by androgynous bitch goddess Carol Pope. Her voice is so deep on it, when I was little, I thought it was a man singing.
Hot Child In The City – Nick Gilder: This song had a major comeback when it was featured in an episode of Sex and the City. Carrie and her comic store boyfriend get stoned and eat chicken wings to it – Nick Gilder should be proud!
I Wear My Sunglasses At Night – Corey Hart: A cousin of mine used to live in the same building as Corey Hart. He said he would pass the guy every so often on his way to the garbage chute and it was all he could do to stop himself from going “Don’t mess around with a guy in shades oh no!” I would have had the same reaction.
Kiss Me You Fool – The Northern Pikes: The Northern Pikes are from Saskatchewan so I felt like I should throw something of theirs on here to represent the praries.
Life Is A Highway – Tom Cochrane: I once knew a dude in high school whose family sold Tom Cochrane their old plane and then he crashed it.
Moonlight Desires – Gowan: If you ever watch an episode of old school Degrassi, pretty much without fail, if there is a dance in the episode, a Gowan song will play!
Run To You – Bryan Adams: People are all about “Summer of ’69” but for my money, this song is better.
Safety Dance – Men Without Hats: I love that this video has a maypole and midgets in it. It’s just so random and ridiculous.
Takin’ Care Of Business – Bachman Turner Overdrive: This was one of those songs that got really overplayed in the ’80s but now is kind of listenable again.
Too Bad – Doug and the Slugs: Norm MacDonald used this song as the theme song for his short lived show Norm. It just goes to show you that the CanCon is hammered in there.
We’re Here For A Good Time (Not A Long Time ) – Trooper: This song played at my wedding. No joke.
What A Day For A Day Dream – The Loving Spoonful: Did you know that one of the dudes from The Loving Spoonful was married to Jackie Burroughs, the woman who played Aunt Hetty on Road to Avonlea? Canada!

Mix Number Two: Paying With Funny Coloured Money
Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels) – Arcade Fire: One of my favourite Arcade Fire songs.
What A Drag! – The Kim Band: This band is fronted by Kim Bingham who has done a lot of work with David Usher. True to Canadian form, the album that this song is on also has a version of it in French.
Fly Paper – K-Os: I would not be cool enough to hang out with K-Os in real life, but I love his stuff. Smart hiphop.
That Girl – Esthero: I loved this album my senior year of high school. At the time, I think it was the closest thing in my CD collection to rap.
Almost – Sarah Harmer: Sarah Harmer lives in Toronto and her parents used to run an awesome chocolate shop in the Beach.
Idiot Heart – Sunset Rubdown: This band is actually the side project of one of the guys in Wolf Parade. This song feels like it has a sort of David Bryne sensibility to it.
Every Page You Turn – Boy: They haven’t released anything since 2007 and I’m not sure they’re still together, but some of the cuts off this album are great. Their song “Stars” is one of my all-time favourites.
Ghost Pressure – Wolf Parade: This album is being released at the end of the month but I already enjoy this song.
No Sissies – Hawksley Workman: I remember back in 2001 when Hawksley came into my life with (Last Night We Were) The Delicious Wolves and I loved him. I’m not as into his work now, but his old stuff has a bunch of good memories associated with it. His stuff has kind of a theatrical bent to it, but I’ve always appreciated the lyrics.
Elevator Love Letter – Stars: This song always peps me up and I have been known to dance to it in actual elevators when no one else is around.
Home – King Cobb Steelie: A lot of King Cobb Steelie’s stuff doesn’t have words to it, but this track does and it pretty much encapsulates the summer after my first year of college.
Them Kids – Sam Roberts: I remember my cousin Tassy telling me once that she knew Sam and she would introduce us, but that never happened because I was too shy. The whole album is pretty good, but this song is the most poppy.
Mass Romantic – The New Pornographers: The New Pornographers have a place in my heart for putting on the best concert I have ever been to, so I had to throw something of theirs on.
Sweet Ones – Sarah Slean: I got this off of one of Boy’s albums which is funny because we normally don’t like the same music. Go figure!
Restoration – The Acorn: The Acorn is a band from Ottawa that hasn’t quite broken here yet but have been getting some decent indie play.
Hummingbird – Born Ruffians: I have a thing about hummingbirds so I like the title, plus these dudes played on Skins which is a great British show.
The Lifestyle – Metric: Metric have kind of broken in the States, so I picked something from an EP of theirs from 1998.
Canada – Treasure: Okay, this song is not by a Canadian band, but I figured the song title gave it a bit of a pass.
Curious – Sandbox: When this band dissolved, the guitarist went on to play Bubbles on Trailer Park Boys. Weirdly enough, I once went to a party where the cast was in attendance and they stayed in character pretty much the whole time.

Anyway, that’s my Canuck mix. I still have another mix to pull together for the awesome Nadine, and then later in the week, they’ll both be shipped off to hopefully reach their intendeds before Canada Day. Awesome!

*I didn’t include listenable mixes this time because the website I use is messed up. Sorry!

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You know how sometimes when you’re in a couple, you come across ideas that you both find hysterically funny but it’s hard to explain exactly why?

One such idea occurred to Boy and I when we were in San Francisco this past December. We were sitting in Lori’s eating our Cable Car breakfasts and talking about Robert E. Howard’s Conan series because, as I have mentioned before, Boy is a Conan fan. Anyway, I said something about how funny it would be if Conan had to be in the modern world and have an actual job. From this, we jokingly brainstormed about what kind of job Conan might have until we ended up with one of our favourite little jokes ever – Conan the Barbarian as a Fry Cook at a diner.

After a little while, I kind of forgot our little joke, but Boy must have kept it in the back of his mind because this morning I woke up to find that he had drawn two Conan mini strips which I am posting for your pleasure. Check ’em out!

It’s still in the early stages, but I have been told he plans to draw more which I am excited about. There is something about a giant barbarian spreading cooking lard on himself to enhance his skin’s shininess that tickles my funny bone. 

Conan the Fry Cook – Saving the world while serving you hash browns!

*Boy also has a website  and an online store which I highly recommend you check out because they are both filled with awesome stuff!*

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(Okay, so back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .)

I am a big movie buff, so when I heard that the Bloor Cinema here in Toronto was playing Raiders of the Lost Ark this weekend, I got a little excited. I love me some Indiana Jones so possibly being able to see it on the big screen made me smile. Also, 1980s Harrison Ford = awesome. So, naturally, Boy and I got to talking about Harrison Ford and I brought out the eternal debate – which Harrison Ford would you rather be or be married to? Star Wars Harrison Ford (Han Solo) or Raiders of the Lost Ark Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones)?

Boy immediately said Star Wars Harrison Ford (“You get to have adventures in space with a wookie as a friend!”), but for me, it was not that easy. Yes, there is something amazing about Han Solo. He’s quick with a quip and fast with his ship*, but being a space smuggler isn’t exactly legal which would mean you would have to spend a lot of time bailing him out of space jail. And then, when the Empire fell, what would happen to the smuggling industry? What would we do when that kind of work dried up? Could Han Solo be persuaded to happily lead a life on the straight and narrow or would he get fat and resentful? 

Therefore, I picked Indiana Jones. He might not be as quippy or have a space ship, but he does have a steady job as a university professor and, as we find out later, his dad is Sean Connery who would make for awesome father-in-law! Sure, there is the problem of being chased and shot at by Nazis all the time . . . and if you had ophiophobia, it would probably be a bitch to be married to the guy, but I figured the travel and the fun would outweigh those negatives.

What can I say? I've always had a thing for stubble and dudes who wear hats.

This conversation was of course inevitably followed by its female counterpart: Who would you rather be or be married to – Princess Leia (Star Wars) or Marion Ravenwood (Raiders)?

You would think that it would be an easy choice, but again, there was debate.

 Boy picked Marion. He liked that she was up for an adventure and he enjoyed her ability to hold a drink.

You wouldn't think that this little gal would be able to drink a crazy Nepalese dude under the table, but she totally can.

I picked Leia because I enjoyed her sass, the fact that she was handy with a blaster (as opposed to Padme who just sucked and cried), and that she could rock a gold bikini like nobody’s business.

Make fun of the danish hairdo and I will blast your ass into next week!

There are of course drawbacks for either choice. If you’re Leia, you’d be related to Mark Hamill who kind of sucked, but you could always distract yourself from that by looking at the adorable Ewoks. If you’re Marion, you’re the mother of Shia LaBoeuf which I think is far worse**!

Every. Single. Time. To paraphrase Spaced, "Mutt Williams makes the Ewoks look like f*ckin' Shaft!"

Anyway, since we have already had these debates, I put it out to the blogging audience at large – which Harrison Ford and which Harrison Ford love interest would you want to be/marry and why?

*It can do the Kessle Run in 12 parsecs!

** I generally declare shenanigans on the fourth Indiana Jones movie, but since I’ve been forced to accept the new Star Wars films, I’m including it in this debate.

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