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Posts Tagged ‘i watched it so you didn’t have to’

I haven’t done one of these in a while, but after watching a very special movie last week, I was inspired to return to movie recapping.

So without further ado, may I present to you: The Edge (1997) a.k.a. Jack Donaghy and Hannibal Lecter fight a bear!

I love the blurred texture of this poster, as though they're going at some supersonic action movie speed. Amazing.

I know, I know. It’s not a conventional choice. My other picks were really actiony or campy and perhaps lent themselves to an easier skewering, but the thing about this movie is, while it is actually not poorly written (by David Mamet) and it is reasonably interesting to watch, there are parts of it that make me question its logic so hard, I thought it might be an interesting thing to dissect.

So back to The Edge. Anthony Hopkins plays a silver-haired billionaire named Charles Morse, but for the purposes of this recap, we’re calling him Hannibal. Hannibal is married to Elle Macpherson who, playing against type, is a model. Her character’s called Mickey, I guess to conjure up an image of youthful spunkiness, but since we don’t really see her do much of anything, it doesn’t really matter. The main thing we learn about their relationship is that Hannibal is old and Elle Mickeypherson is young and hot. That is it. I was always kind of hoping that we’d get a little more insight into how they got together or even worked together as a couple, but it never happens. They have no relationship chemistry at all and instead, Elle Mickeypherson treats him like her favourite grandpa . . . which is why Alec Baldwin is kind of a problem.

Alec Baldwin plays a character named Bob Green, but we’re calling him Jack. Now, please keep in mind that this movie was filmed long, long ago in the 1990s, back when “Being A Baldwin” still meant something. Granted, this movie was shot in the later ’90s, so by this point Baldwin’s appearance was kind of halfway between his young skinnypants Beetlejuice self and his latter day elder statesman of Thursday night television self (suck on that, Chevy Chase!), but he was still rocking the slicked hair and the steely gaze, so he’s a formidable opponent to Hannibal’s old codger.

1990s Alec Baldwin - Not as dumb as Stephen, not as dumpy as Daniel.

You see, “Jack” is a famous fashion photographer who is traveling with Mickeypherson, Hannibal and a bunch of stock artsy characters up to Alaska to shoot Mickeypherson against an Alaskan backdrop for some reason. What the photo shoot is for is never really made clear, but it is a grandiose show of Culture Misappropriation with Mickeypherson dressing up like a sexy Indian and posing on a dock in front of a lake. While they are shooting, Jack gets frustrated with the quality of his pictures and so he talks to the Wizened Old Scarface Innkeeper who shows him a picture of a real Indian who lives nearby. Jack is suddenly inspired by this and wants to make a jaunt out to whatever remote part of the Alaskan forest the Indian dude lives in to take pictures of him instead of Mickeypherson. Again, this brings up the question of what magazine this shoot is actually for? I think if FHM or Stuff magazine sent you on an expensive trip out into the wilderness to take pictures of a bikini babe and then you came back with pictures of a hard living old Indian dude, you’d have some explaining to do.

Pampered rich white ladies pretending to be ethnic is SO in right now.

In any case, Jack somehow convinces Hannibal to come along with him and a small crew to find the real Indian dude. All the while, Hannibal has been reading an Outdoor Adventuring book given to him by his assistant, so I suppose, feeling the need for some adventure, he joins Jack and his assistant (played by Harold Perrineau a.k.a. Mercutio) on a rinky-dink plane to go find Jack’s weathered old muse. Jack makes a point of assuring everyone that they will be right back which is how you know they are totally screwed. Have you ever watched a movie where a character saying “I’ll be right back” hasn’t led to their certain doom? Me neither.

Anyway, when they get to the guy’s rustic little cabin, there is a note pinned to the door saying he’s “Gone Fishin’” (or “Huntin’” as it were), so the team re-boards their plane and takes to the skies once more.

However, while they are in the air and chatting away, Jack makes a poorly timed joke about how he thinks Hannibal’s wife is cute. As Hannibal was already feeling a bit spiky/suspicious about Jack’s relationship with Mickeypherson, this leads him to respond with “So, how do you plan to kill me?” And pretty much immediately, the plane is downed by a flock of birds.

Stupid The Edge pilot! Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberg would NEVER have let this happen!

Again, I have questions:

1)      Are birds not visible to pilots unless they are being sucked up into their Cessna engines?
2)      Would that line of dialogue actually be said by a real human being who wasn’t:
a) a huge drama queen? Or b) in an action movie? Because it doesn’t even seem real.
3)      Have none of these people ever heard of the word “divorce”? Because chances are, you’d still get money and things could be a lot less murdery. Just an idea!

So, temped by fate, the plane has crashed and is rapidly sinking into the Alaskan lake. Jack swims to safety while Hannibal uses his trusty hunting knife to cut Mercutio free of his seatbelt and rescue him. The pilot sadly receives no such help as he was done in by the duck that came crashing through his windshield. Poor, poor expendable pilot.

Once Jack, Hannibal and Mercutio make it to shore, they all take a moment to freak out about what just happened. I have to say, they recover from the trauma of just surviving a plane crash pretty well as they all seem to be pretty together within about 5 minutes. If it were me, I would be chanting “Holy $h!t” and rocking in the fetal position for the next two years. But, I guess you’ve got to focus on the task at hand, which for these guys is not freezing their asses off in the Alaskan wilderness since they are all wet and only wearing light polar fleece jackets for warmth. Jack has matches but they don’t work, so he instead opts to start a fire with one of their conveniently saved-from-the-plane rescue flares. So, one problem solved!

The next day, Hannibal take a paperclip off a bundle of papers he’d been keeping in his pocket, magnetizes it on his silk shirt and makes a makeshift compass with it in a tree stump. The men resolve to start walking back in the direction they came from when they encounter . . . *dun dun dun* a giant Kodiak bear! You see Wizened Old Scarface Innkeeper had previously warned them about bears, but none of them could have imagined his warning was actually an important piece of exposition.

I know, right?!

It is at this stage of the review that I would like to point out that THE EVIL BEAR was played by famous bear actor Bart the Bear who basically played “The Bear” in every movie that needed a bear from 1977 until his death in 2000 from cancer. Watching this movie in particular reminded me of how typecast poor Bart was. I mean who wants to constantly play “The Bear” in everything? I’ll bet he was just yearning to play a goldfish or Jean Val Jean or something. He could have become a famous Academy Award winner! . . . and then followed up his big screen tour de force with a movie in which he wore a fat suit. *sigh* Bears can dream, can’t they?

In any case, getting back on track after that detour into animal acting, THE EVIL BEAR, having locked onto their scent then starts chasing them through the forest. To get away, the men push over a tree and create a single log bridge across a rushing stream to supposedly make a quicker getaway, but truth be told, they seem to kind of be taking their time considering there is a two tonne man destroyer on their tail. For some reason, Mercutio hasn’t caught onto the fact that he is merely a Red Shirt in this whole wilderness adventure so he crosses the bridge with Jack and Hannibal is left trailing behind them. I guess this is done for dramatic effect, but when it comes to celebrity hierarchy, everyone knows that Anthony Hopkins trumps a dude from LOST any day of the week.

Instead of crotch scooching across the log like a sane person, Hannibal decides to tightrope walk across the log bridge, only to have THE EVIL BEAR jump up and down on the end of the log, making him drop the bag of flares and nearly drown in the rushing water below. Smooth moves, Hannibal! Thankfully, just in the nick of time, Jack grabs his hand and pulls him to shore, saving him from a watery grave. Isn’t that swell of him? You should let him sleep with your wife, Hannibal . . . if he hasn’t already (SPOILER ALERT!)

Scary bears, are watching you, watching your every move!

Once they are free of THE EVIL BEAR – because in this version of reality, bears don’t like water – Mercutio, like any normal person, starts spiraling into a state of panic again. It’s not exactly a Bill Paxton in Aliens kind of spazfest, but he’s pretty scared, so Hannibal decided to distract him with busy work and gives him a knife and a stick to make a spear. Unfortunately, instead of making a spear, Mercutio promptly stabs himself in the leg and starts bleeding all over the place. Hannibal uses some cloth to make a bandage/tourniquet like the elderly boy scout he is and then hands some of the blood soaked strips to Jack, telling him to bury or burn them so as not to attract the attention of THE EVIL BEAR. However, Jack instead takes this instruction to mean “hang the soiled bandages on the branches of trees downwind of our fire so that THE EVIL BEAR can smell Mercutio’s flamebroiled goodness” like a goddang twat. You know, Alec Baldwin, it’s a good thing you were pretty because you sure are dumb. So, since this movie barely lets five minutes elapse between dramatic foreshadowing statement and sudden doom, no sooner has Hannibal discovered the bandages in the trees does poor Mercutio get his ass mauled to death by THE EVIL BEAR. Alas, poor Mercutio, we hardly knew yea!

Oh Harold Perrineau, will you ever not die?

With Mercutio dispatched, that just leaves Hannibal and Jack, our two intrepid adventurers left to go. The pair decide to stay on the move and make a trap to capture a squirrel for some good eatin’. They rig up a variation of the old “baited box on a string” trap and are deliriously happy when they catch a cute piece of fluffy-tailed prey. Sadly, their jubilation is cut short when they realize THE EVIL BEAR has caught their scent again and is stalking them through the woods once more. That was really fast. I would have thought good ol’ Mercutio would have provided him with at least two days worth of eats, but maybe THE EVIL BEAR was more in the mood for some supple Baldwin beef . . . just like Hannibal’s wife (SPOILER ALERT AGAIN! Damn, I’m really bad at this today!)

In a feeble attempt to ward off the bear, Hannibal and Jack take sticks from the fire and “randomly” throw them around their camp spot to form a perfectly symmetrical circle barrier that THE EVIL BEAR cannot hope to penetrate (unlike Hannibal’s wife who . . . yes, I’m sorry, I’ll stop now). Hannibal decides the only way that they are going to survive this journey is to dispatch THE EVIL BEAR because at least that way, they can get on with their journey back to civilization uninterrupted by pesky bear attacks. Hannibal bates THE EVIL BEAR with his own blood and the two join forces to lure it into a battle to the death. At one point, THE EVIL BEAR slashes Jack across the chest, but apparently, it’s the gentlest bear mauling ever, because he survives, as does Hannibal who manages to get THE EVIL BEAR to impale himself through the heart on a giant spike. You know, it was at this moment, I actually kind of felt bad for THE EVIL BEAR. I mean maybe he just wanted to talk to Anthony Hopkins about his work in Amistad or something. He could have had purer motivations than we realized!

Stabbed through the heart! And you're to blame! Baby, you give bears a bad name!

Anyway, as THE EVIL BEAR is now THE DEAD BEAR, the two men eat his meat and manage to skin the corpse to create some weather appropriate winter wear . . . because I think it’s winter? I don’t know. The only things I do know are:

1)      It’s started to snow,
2)      Hannibal’s little utility knife was strong enough to skin an entire bear,
3)      They must have had a sewing kit or something tucked away or there was a chapter in Hannibal’s Outdoor Adventure Book about making outfits out of bear carcass because coats and such they make look pretty expertly done.

Tragically, they’re not out of the woods, figuratively and literally yet because they have yet to be rescued. Really, at this point, with THE EVIL BEAR gone, we’re just killing time, but it does lead to one of the more ridiculous parts of the recap, so I’m continuing.

The men, dressed in their bear garb, come upon a cabin where they find some supplies. Hannibal reaches into his pocket to grab something and he pulls out the wad of paper that was originally clipped together by the paperclip they used for a compass earlier. It is the warranty for the birthday pocket watch Mickeypherson gave him, and attached to it is a slip of paper detailing what she wanted engraved on his watch . . . as well as what she wanted engraved on the watch she bought for her lover . . . Jack!

I wonder sometimes if Alec and William Baldwin (of "Fair Game" fame) ever compared notes about what it was like to be in movies with models. "Elle wouldn't shut up about being tall and from Australia! It was SO annoying!"

This is where I have some major logic issues with the movie. I know Mickeypherson is a model and perhaps not all that bright but:
1)      If you’re conducting an illicit affair with someone you work with, why didn’t you take more care to not hide the evidence in your husband’s birthday gift?
2)      If you’re buying presents for both your lover and husband, could you maybe have made TWO shopping trips?
3)      If you insist on being a moron and buying all sex partner gifts at the same store, do you really have to include names on all the engravings? I mean, if you’re discovered, wouldn’t you maybe want to maintain some shred of plausible deniability? The engraving she put on Jack’s watch read “Dear (Jack), Thanks for all the nights. Love (Mickeypherson)” which is just as good as saying “Dear (Jack), Thanks for boning me when my husband wasn’t around! Love, your ridiculously stupid secret lover (Mickeypherson).”

I don’t mean this as a tutorial for how to cheat on your spouse, but for crying out loud, get a bit of a brain, woman! Not to mention, it’s kind of bad form to buy both men similar gifts – makes a tacky thing even tackier!

So as Hannibal’s great fear that his hot wife is hooking up with someone else is realized, stupid Jack decides that he really IS going to try to kill Hannibal after all. Really, movie? They get through a plane crash and a bear attack and now he’s going to try and take him out by shooting him? He could have just let the bear get him or he could have just let him drown in that tree bridge crossing incident from earlier. Little to no effort on Jack’s part. What is the point of showing them bonding and making “Best Friends Forever” necklaces out of bear claws if you’re just going to turn one of them into a megadouche? That sucks!

1990s Alec Baldwin is plotting your doom!

Thankfully the sucking doesn’t last too much longer since, when Jack Donaghy goes to shoot Hannibal Lecter, he falls into a massive pit full of spikes and his leg gets impaled on a very large wooden stake. In spite of Jack’s being a backstabbing asshole, Hannibal manages to get him out of the pit and into a boat which he rows to safety. This doesn’t stop Jack from dying just as they are about to get rescued but it shows us that in spite of his old codgery-ness, Hannibal is actually an okay guy.

Once the bush plane lands back in civilization, Hannibal hands Mickeypherson back the sex watch he stole from Jack’s body as a subtle way of telling her he knows about the affair. Hannibal also tells all of the reporters gathered for a press conference that both of the men that accompanied him on the trip (the pilot gets no love!) died but that they really “saved (his) life.” Ummm, did I miss the part where Mercutio was useful in any way? Or the part where Jack Donaghy didn’t try to kill you, Hannibal? Because while I know it’s meant as some serious depth of character statement, it almost makes you seem kind of dumb that you’re glossing over the fact both of those chumps almost got your billionaire ass killed.

This is Anthony Hopkins' "I might have won an Academy Award, but I can't work miracles on killer bear movies!" face.

So that was The Edge. I hope you learned as much about bear attacks, illicit love affairs and survival in the wilderness as I did! Join me next time for the “I Watched It So You Didn’t Have To” Series when we examine the ins and outs of working as a bouncer . . .

Other entries in the “I Watched It So You Didn’t Have To” series:
Predator 2
Conan The Barbarian
Showgirls

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There are a lot of things I do for this blog. I share my silliest secrets, I open myself up to humiliation . . . and I watch horrible, horrible movies.

Now today’s horrible movie revolves around the story of a girl with a dream . . . a dream to be as slutty and as erratic as humanly possible. Oh, and to dance. Dancing is apparently in there too.

May I present to you . . . Showgirls!

 

Just a couple of things up front.

1)      This movie was written by Joe Eszterhaus who was apparently born in Hungary. At first, I thought that the weirdness in the script was because of some language divide, but then I read that Eszterhaus had moved to America when he was six years old. So apparently, it’s not so much a question of his need for ESL classes as it is a question of his sucking as a writer. I guess I should have expected this from a dude who wrote an entire short story about the secret confessions of the president’s penis, but hey, that could have been a fluke right?

2)      This movie was supposed to mark Elizabeth Berkley’s transition from Saturday morning kiddy TV show fare into a more serious adult market. It really did not as the movie bombed with audiences and critics alike*. While Elizabeth Berkley still works, no one seems to take her all that seriously anymore and the most credible/highest profile gig she’s landed in recent years was on CSI: Miami. Yikes.

3)      Just as a disclaimer, there are no X-Rated pictures and I don’t get too graphic with what happens in the movie since I realize some people are reading this through readers and don’t want to have any nasty surprises. However, there will be times when you are reading this recap and you will think to yourself “No, that can’t have happened. Girl is just throwing fake crap in to mess with me because no movie could possibly be THAT ridiculous.” But that will be wrong because everything I am writing here is true. Horribly, horribly true.

Gird your loins, people! We’re going in.

Our story begins with Jessie Spano hitchhiking along the side of a dirty road. Her name in the movie is Nomi, but I will never call her that. Instead I will imagine that this is Jessie Spano leaving Bayside after seriously hit the skids after that caffeine pill incident.


I’m embedding the clip from Saved By The Bell so you can see a little sample of Elizabeth Berkley’s acting style.
Suffice it to say if Mark Paul Gosselar is acting circles around you, you’ve got problems.

Anyway, Jessie gets picked up by a random idiot who loves Garth Brooks. They banter back and forth in a way that is meant to be seen as hip and streetwise but instead sounds ridiculous. The thing about Eszterhaus’ writing is, it’s like he’s an alien who’s never actually heard people talking before and instead is having to piece it together on the fly. It’s kind of amazing. So Garth Brooks Guy seems skeezy but then he gives her ten dollars and she thinks he’s cool. But then he steals her suitcase. What that dude wants with a bunch of hooker clothes, I’ll never know (or maybe I don’t want to know).

Driven to distraction, Jessie works herself up into a tizzy and promptly throws up on a poor black girl. About five seconds after she stops puking, she then tries to flirt with said black girl as though she didn’t just empty the contents of her stomach in front of her. Sexy! Poor black girl a.k.a. Molly somehow takes pity on Jessie and invites her to move in. Because people you just met five minutes ago make the best roommates.

Wouldn't you trust this woman in your apartment?

To get over the loss of her suitcase and to initiate her to the scene, Molly takes Jessie to a Las Vegas review. She watches from the audience and spends the entire time imitating their moves. As far as I can tell, their moves include wearing drag queen looking makeup, getting dressed up in sparkly thongs and doing jazz hands until your wrists hurt.

Before you know it, Trey from Sex And The City shows up. He doesn’t do much of anything yet, but he has horrible floppy emo bangs which make me laugh. He is also hanging out with Gina Gershon. Maybe it’s just me, but Gina Gershon has the weirdest smile ever. It’s like she’s some kind of secret human shark hybrid and has more rows of teeth than the average person.

Gina Gershon: She has so many teeth, she can't even close her mouth!

Gina Gershon’s character’s name is Cristal Connors and she headlines the big show at the Stardust. When Jessie Spano goes over to talk to her (in an explosion of hair glitter, I might add), Gina laughs at her and basically calls her a whore. Jessie Spano naturally takes this badly and bounces herself against a bunch of cars like a pinball. I think this is to show she’s angsty?

Because Jessie is bummed over being rejected by Gina Gershon and her crazy teeth, she and Molly head out to dance instead of deal with crazy things like work. When they hit the club, Jessie is overtaken by the music and smashes around on the dance floor, as graceful as a drunken buffalo. While she’s dancing, a guy comes up to her and basically tells her she looks like a lunatic. In response, she nuts him on the dancefloor and gets carted off to jail. You know, as you do.

An indeterminate amount of time later, the guy from the club (who we learn is named James) bails her out of jail and then hits her up for a date. That must be an expensive pickup tactic. Jessie Spano spouts bumper sticker logic at him for a while (“Shit happens”) before Molly picks her up. Jessie waves goodbye to James while sucking faux-seductively on a Blow Pop.

In case anyone reading didn't catch the oh-so-subtle symbolism, the blow pop equals dude parts. You're welcome.

After her little jail adventure, Jessie heads off to dance at the club that somehow made the mistake of hiring her. However, when we get to the club, it become a little more obvious why she was hired there in the first place. It is incredibly tacky. Not only does it boast a woman with inflatable boobs (it’s like she had one of those airplane life preservers grafted onto her chest), but it is also run but a creepy pockmark faced dude who explains the art of lapdancing to the club’s new Pollyanna like dancer. Pollyanna does not seem thrilled about this.

Later on in the evening, Gina Gershon and Emo Bang Trey show up at the club. Gina Gershon is wearing chainmail and Trey could not look more bored. Gina spots Jessie Spano and immediately selects her as the girl she wants to give Trey a lapdance. What follows is the most painful looking lapdance in the history of cinema. I don’t even have that equipment, but I couldn’t help but cross my legs in defense. It’s like she’s crushing his pelvis! In fact, it’s so horrible and violent looking, I half suspect Trey fakes his satisfaction with it just so he can go home and piece together the remaining shards of his genitals. Gina and Trey limp off into the sunset.

You might remember the girl who just crushed your nuts from Saturday morning TV!

However, someone who has not limped off into the sunset is stupid James from the club. Somehow in the last twenty minutes, he has become overinvested in Jessie Spano’s emotional struggle and talks with her about her “natural talent.” That is the worst line ever, James. Not only is it a blatant lie but why would you even bother, especially when getting her to demonstrate her skill again pretty much insures you’re bound for your own Peanut Buster Parfait? James classes it up some more by talking about “how everyone has AIDS and shit.” Jessie Spano looks mildly intrigued but leaves just the same.

Later that day, Jessie Spano goes on a shopping spree with her friend which involves skipping, buying blingy looking dresses and talking about masturbation. All typical female pastimes! While they are out, Jessie Spano is stopped by a dude who works for one of the hotels. She threatens to cut him, but he finds this spunky and in response, offers her an audition for the hotel’s show. Man, if only I had known that threatening people with bodily harm could give me a leg up when it came to job hunting! I’ll have to remember that one for my next interview!

At the audition, the producer gives the ladies a Full Metal Jacket style pep talk, which just goes to show you there are people who take their jobs way too seriously in every field. But there’s no need to worry because Jessie Spano’s totally getting this. Oh no, wait. What is the opposite of “getting this”? Sucking? Because what with the smarting off and flailing and then running off stage in tears, it’s probably more like that.

In the wake of her horrible audition, Jessie Spano finds comfort in Gina Gershon (who comes to visit her) and James, who lets her get him fired from his job and then rewards her by taking her out for food. The meal is quite a spectacle since Jessie Spano chews scenery as well as her burger. When your lead actress can’t even eat convincingly, your movie has some problems.

After Jessie and James eat, they go back to James’ place where Jessie slams her head around his crotch area while a Prince song plays. Seriously, Prince, you’re better than this!

I mean seriously Prince, aren't you still making royalties off of Purple Rain? Surely you don't need to sink this low!

James tries to convince her to have sex with him but she begs off because she has her period. And she’s not just content to tell him this, but she shows him as well. It’s as though Joe Eszterhaus thought to himself “What do ladies do? Oh yeah – bleed through their hoohas! We should write that in!” Anyway, after a sexy display of menstrual blood, Jessie runs into the street and unconvincingly hails a cab.

Somehow, in the midst of Jessie’s adventures, the hotel guy calls and offers Jessie a part in the show at the Stardust. It’s like her spunk is blinding people into thinking she has talent! Immediately upon hearing she’s going to be working at the hotel, she heads back to pockmark guy and tells him off before picking up her clothes and leaving in a huff. After insulting him, she heads back to James’ place where she discovers ridiculous Pollyanna stripper from the first act has taken up residence – in James’ pants. Disillusioned, she takes off in a huff. You should have known he was lying to you when he told you you were a good dancer, Jessie! That was a pretty obvious tip off right there!

Jessie then goes to meet with the hotel people. She giggles like the dentist slipped her some laughing gas. Everyone tries to overlook the fact that she’s a lunatic and smiles awkwardly. On the way out, Jessie runs into Emo Bang Trey and he compliments her strippery dress. She tells him it is from “Versayce!” and he is nice enough to correct her (Ver-sa-chi) so we don’t have to spend the next hour listening to her mispronounce it.

Before the show, Jessie meets with the hotel’s stereotypically gay choreographer and he tells her how to thrust it. I promise this is not a joke.

The day of her first performance is rife with behind the scenes catfights and general monkey antics. No seriously, there are monkeys involved. But Jessie heads out onto that stage with her head held high . . . and growls. All the way through her big number she growls. Loudly. Listen Jessie, I know Tyra Banks is always extolling the virtues of being fierce, but I think even she would draw the line at making retarded tiger noises while you’re putting on a Vegas show.

See? Even Tyra thinks that's too much!

Yet again, people are far too enthusiastic about Jessie’s crap dancing. When she goes backstage there is even a bunch of flowers waiting for her, sent by Emo Bang Trey. Shouldn’t she have sent him flowers after surgeons had to reconstruct his junk?

As Jessie is leaving, James shows up again and claps to get her attention. He talks about how he doesn’t make money from teaching people to dance (is that what he was doing?) so he should get laid in return. Jessie Spano does the first smart thing she’s done all movie and leaves him and his lame cheating excuse in the dust.

The next day on her way to practice, Jessie is intercepted by Gina Gershon. Gina looks like she’s pretending to be some sort of disco cowboy and convinces Jessie to ditch her much needed dance lesson in favour of going for lunch. Jessie agrees and they head to a restaurant where they talk about how they both used to eat dog food (this is apparently common enough in the Showgirls world that it is never addressed as being weird) and bang their crackers together. For the record, “bang their crackers together” is not a euphemism for anything.

Later on, they head back to the dance studio together to dance. They dance together in a way that someone must have though looked sexy but instead kind of makes me sad since it’s so lame. They end up getting in a fight when Gina Gershon pisses Jessie off. Jessie leaves in a huff and Gina Gershon smirks. Actually, to save time, unless I say otherwise, Gina Gershon is smirking.

Smirk!

In addition to her hotel dancing duties, Jessie Spano is recruited to work at a boat show dancing on boats. The next thing, Jessie Spano knows, her boat show boss is trying to get her to sleep with some random Japanese Business Man. But Jessie Spano don’t play that, so she calls Emo Bang Trey to come save her. Emo Bang Trey does, but the second he’s out of Jessie’s earshot calls her skeezy boss and thanks him for playing along. It was all a setup to get into crazy Jessie’s pants! For shame Emo Bang Trey! What would Charlotte say?

The next night at the hotel show, there is much excitement. In a dastardly show of cunning, one of the chorus girls spills fake diamonds onto the stage and makes another one fall and break her leg. It’s a case of diamondtage (diamondtage = diamonds + sabotage). The girl with the broken leg insists it wasn’t an accident, but Jessie lamely defends Diamondtage Girl and things are left alone.

Rhinestones: They might look harmless on the surface but they can really do some damage as part of a nefarious plot!

After the show, Emo Bang Trey brings Jessie Spano back to his house which features what I’m sure he considers a babe lair – a cheesy swimming pool with neon palm trees! Trey pours champagne over Jessie in a move she is naïve enough to think is sexy and then . . .

Okay this is the part that is meant to be erotic for the watcher as Jessie and Trey have sex, but it is really not. In fact, it’s hard to emphasize in print how ridiculous it looks. I guess the best thing I can say is, if you ever wondered what a dolphin caught in a tuna net having a seizure might look like, this is a fair approximation of that. In fact, if someone who had never had sex before only had this performance to go by, I might even go as far as saying, it could make you vow to be an eternal virgin. Just no, movie. No.

If you find this erotic, please leave my blog immediately.

The following day, auditions are held to find a new understudy for Gina Gershon (I guess that’s who the girl with the broken leg was). Jessie Spano auditions while Emo Bang Trey watches from the audience wearing peach lipgloss. Once Jessie is done dancing, Gina Gershon comes racing up in a Patridge Family style jumpsuit and slams Spano for stealing Trey. I have a moment of disbelief that either of these ladies would be fighting over a dude who wears more product than I do, but then again, maybe I just don’t understand Vegas life. Anyway, Jessie Spano gets the understudy part and everyone is pissed off. Jessie goes off and eats another hamburger while triumphant music plays. Damn, that girl eats a lot of burgers! I think that’s the only thing I’ve seen her eat this whole movie.

After Jessie is done her burger, she heads over to see the show that James has apparently choreographed in between his lady seducing. People in the audience boo because it’s not sexy enough. Also, Jessie discovers that Polyanna stripper is pregnant and James is shotgun marrying her. Jessie Spano thanks her lucky stars she was having her period that day. We know! You showed us, crazy lady!

Somehow, by the time Jessie gets back to the hotel for the next show at the Stardust, she’s lost the part of understudy. The next performance is a very tense biker style dance which involves leather outfits, motorcycles on stage, the dancers doing karate chops to their own crotches and a weird Jets/Sharks jazz hands battle. It’s about as awkward as it sounds.

But soon, Jessie sees her chance! As the ladies are about to get on stage for the next number, Jessie ruthlessly pushes Gina down the stairs. There is much commotion and pretty much everyone saw it happen, but the Diamondtage Girl from earlier says that Jessie didn’t do anything. So everyone takes the word of the girl who was previously accused of sabotage and Jessie gets the lead in the show.

Remember kids, this is who we're supposed to be rooting for.

A side effect of this however is that Jessie’s roommate Molly– who as a seamstress for the show saw the whole thing – doesn’t trust her anymore. Jessie’s gone crazy with fame! Molly confronts Jessie and Jessie talks her back down and convinces Molly that she’s innocent. I’m not sure if it works because Molly is really gullible or because she was hypnotized by Jessie’s horrible eye makeup. I’d say a little bit of both.

To celebrate the change in headliner, the Stardust throws a huge party for Jessie where her name is literally in lights. Jessie attends the classy do dressed in an outfit more befitting a Barbie doll than a real person. Sparkly blue leather motorcycle outfit for the win! Jessie also brings Molly along and introduces her to some sort of lounge singer dude who looks like a cross between Yanni and John Tesh except nowhere near as appealing. Faux Yanni offers to go get Molly a drink with a special ingredient in it – rohipnol – and then squires Molly off to his private quarters.

And this is where the movie gets truly awful, ladies and gentlemen, because Faux Yanni then proceeds to beat and sexually assault poor Molly. The scene comes out of nowhere and is such a weird shift that I almost had to check that I was still watching the same movie. I mean things suddenly go from “All About Eve with pasties” to a toned down version of “I Spit On Your Grave Vegas style”. The scene is completely incongruous considering the schlocky, campy tone of the rest of the movie. Not only that, but it gives you yet another reason to feel sorry for poor Molly. First, she has to be friends with stupid Jessie Spano and then she gets raped for her troubles! Awful!

Remember ladies, if he walks softly and plays a big piano, stay away!

Once Molly is discovered and rushed to the hospital, Jessie gets upset and sets out to inform the police of the situation. But suddenly Emo Bang Trey appears and busts on her for having a fake name/identity. Apparently, Jessie Spano is secretly a former runaway and prostitute with a laundry list of arrests. He tells her not to call the cops or he’ll bust her and end her Vegas dreams for sure! I think it’s safe to say the honeymoon is over, kids.

However, Jessie has a plan. She paints her nails to kung fu music and says “Showtime!” to herself like a crazy person before heading over to Faux Yanni’s hotel room. Wearing a leopard print outfit, she manages to make it into his inner sanctum and distract him with a nipple flash before . . . and get this . . . she beats the ever loving crap out of him with her spastic dance moves! Watching it, it almost seems like all of her dance training has been leading up to this moment,  kind of like if Mr. Miyagi had taught Daniel to crush William Zabka’s ass using a series of high kicks!

I think 1980s Ralph Macchio could have taught 1990s Elizabeth Berkley a thing of two about subtly accessorizing.

After leaving Faux Yanni bruised and bleeding on the floor, she does a quick costume change before heading over to the hospital to tell poor comatose Molly that she succeeded in getting her some justice after all. On the way out, she even stops by Gina Gershon’s room where they share a cheesy lesbian moment before Gina gives her a cowboy hat and sends her off into the sunset . . . where she meets up with the Garth Brooks loving idiot from the first reel. How wacky! Oh movie, will you ever stop?

And then it did and I was never as happy to see end credits in my whole life.

Now I tried to think of what I might have learned from this movie, some sort of redeeming quality I might have taken from it, but the truth was, I couldn’t really come up with one.

The nicest thing I could think about it was that I was thankful that I was not Elizabeth Berkley and was not condemned to be known as “that girl from Showgirls” for the rest of my life. When that woman dies, you know 95 per cent of the Hollywood obits are going to mention it. It’s like a stain that will never wash off, like the biblical mark of Cain or Lady Macbeth’s stained hands. Yes, I realize I just indirectly compared Elizabeth Berkley to Lady Macbeth . . . this movie has messed me up that much.

Because that movie was crap. Pure, stinking to high heaven, crap.

I have Arnold Schwarzenegger’s The Running Man and fantasy movie with Jason Statham called In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at home, but I’m going to need some time to recover before I do another one of these.

As for right now, I have to go have a shower to wash the heebiest of jeebies off my skin. Ugh!

*There is actually an entire chapter about this movie in the book Fiasco: A History of Hollywood’s Iconic Flops by James Robert Parish. If you love movies and schadenfreude, it’s definitely worth a read.

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So as is evident with some of my previous posts, I am a bit of a nerd. I think a reasonably cute nerd, but still a nerd. There are few things I love more than watching a silly action movie with either Arnold Schwartzenegger, Bruce Willis or Sylvester Stallone in it. I particularly love Arnie because in his movies, he’ll often fire off a bunch of punny lines which he delivers with almost no emotion. Like say, he’ll decapitate someone and then hold up their obviously paper mached cranium and say “Looks like he couldn’t get ahead” or something like that.

A little while ago, Boy was playing the new Alien Vs. Predator game on the X-Box and we got to talking about the Predator franchise since I have more recently watched the Alien movies. I had seen Predator a couple of times, but as is my way with franchises, I had somehow missed Predator 2. I don’t really remember why, but I think because it came out in the era where my parents cared what I watched and felt the idea of their 8-year-old child watching a monster rip off a dude’s head would be inappropriate. Go figure!

Anyway, much as he did when I told him I hadn’t watched Demolition Man*, Boy looked at me with a mixture of surprise and sadness. “What do you mean, you have never watched Predator 2? Paunchy Danny Glover runs around in the inner city chasing a hunter from outer space! It’s awesome!”

So it then became my quest to track down Predator 2 and this past weekend, I did at Walmart when I came across BOTH Predator movies in the discard bin for $5 each! Ten dollars for a Predator fest! I was so excited!

On Sunday when we got home (we’d gone out to visit Boy’s father and my cousin who just had the baby), I was about to put in the first Predator to watch them in order, but since I had never seen the second, Boy insisted we watch it first because it would be new to me. So we did and this is what we saw.

Danny Glover is a rogue LA cop who is holding things down in the middle of a gang war in the oh so futuristic year of 1997. You know he’s rogue because he smashes his car into the middle of a gun fight and wears a kicky mustard coloured manblouse. The dude is crazy!

Danny, doesn't this seem more like something Julia Sugarbaker would wear as opposed to a cop?

He and his team of rapscallion devil-may-care police buddies (featuring a dude who wears a tacky necklace and a ballbusting Latina – wait is James Cameron directing this?), follow the overacting bad dudes into a factory building and plan to off them. But wait! The Predator is in town and he kills all but one of them. Naturally the Predator leaves behind only the most coked out theatrical one so he (the coked out dude) and Danny Glover can have a show down on the roof. Coked out dude spouts some mumbo jumbo and then gets shot and takes a header off the roof onto a festivally decorated picnic table below. Perhaps disoriented by the fact that there was a dressed up picnic table in the middle of a drug den, Danny Glover shakes his head when he happens to spot a blurry nonfigure across the roofway. He attributes it to the crazy LA heat and walks away.

Danny then heads back to the police station where he is introduced to Gary Busey. Gary Busey is supposed to play some sort of secret service dude or something, but I have to admit, I wasn’t really paying attention to his job title because I was hypnotized by his scary face and giant teeth. Sometimes I think Gary Busey should start a weird looking grizzled old men’s club with Nick Nolte and Kris Kristofferson. They would make a good team!

Now that's a smile you wouldn't want to see coming at you first thing in the morning!

 Also at the police station is Bill Paxton who is their new recruit. He tells dirty jokes and is generally ballsy until Latina Cop nuts him and shuts him down. Latina Cop is played by Maria Conchita Alonso, who, it should be noted, seems to confuse anger and intensity with acting. In other words, she kind of sucks, but then again, anyone who tones down Bill Paxton gets a thumbs up in my books.

Vintage Bill Paxton from Aliens. I don't know what scene this is but he's no doubt saying something cocky.

Now a note on Bill Paxton and the title of this blog post – I actually like the guy okay but if you are watching him in a movie, you generally know what lies ahead.
1) He’ll speak in what can only be described as “an outdoor voice.”
2) He’ll alternate between pracing around like he’s cock of the walk and freaking out like he’s going to pee his pants. (“GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!”)
3) He’ll get his ass killed.

Bill Paxton is *Spoiler*the only actor to ever be killed by a Terminator, an Alien and a Predator. He’s body fodder and he knows it, so he makes the most of his time on screen by drawing as much attention to himself as possible, so that when he dies, you actually notice. Kind of annoying, but not the worst strategy for an actor to have when he’s starting out. Now back to the recap . . .

Danny Glover gives Bill Paxton a big speech about how he’s in the real show now so he’s got to lay low, be serious and to not showboat or he’ll get his ass killed. It’s like he doesn’t know Bill Paxton at all! Bill Paxton begrudgingly agrees to all of this, but we know he’s lying and that his death is a mere half hour to forty-five minutes away. *sigh*

Cut to an apartment downtown where a Columbian druglord is having loud sex with a woman in his horribly decorated apartment. In the Columbian druglord’s defense, it was the 1990s but it’s like the dude never met a tribal mask he didn’t like. So the couple are copulating when a crazy gang of Jamaican Voodoo dudes (say “Voodoo dudes” five times fast!) bust into the apartment to off the druglord when the Predator shows up and kills the lot of them, leaving only the druglord’s naked cowering girlfriend alive. The Predator also leave behind one of his shiny weapon pieces but he doesn’t seem to notice because he has other space hunter things on his mind.

The Predator doesn't appreciate your crappy looking ethnic decor - Argh!

Danny Glover and his team show up at the apartment and the ballbusting Latina Cop leads away the druglord’s girlfriend, presumably so they can talk about lady things. Tacky Necklace Cop notices the Predator weapon and points it out to Danny Glover, but before they can do anything about it, Gary Busey walks onto the scene and gets really intense in Danny’s face about how he’s not supposed be there. Argh! Teeth! Danny and Tacky Necklace Cop leave with the idea they will come back later to the crime scene, which they have now been banned from, to recover the piece of Predator evidence. I’m not sure why they think withholding evidence and disturbing a crime scene is a good idea, but I also get the idea that they aren’t very good cops, so there you go.

A few hours later, Tacky Necklace Cop returns to the crime scene to retrieve the evidence when Predator kills him and steals his tacky necklace. Noo! His life essence! Danny Glover finds his body and is very devasted, but not too devasted to open Tacky Necklace Cop’s cold dead hand to retrieve the evidence for further examination. Score! Danny brings it to the lab where he is told predictably that the sample matches nothing in the lab’s all incompassing materials database. I always find that weird on shows and movies in how every substance produced by man is logged in a computer, like it’s just that easy to track everything down.

Thrown by this new development, Danny Glover gets in a towncar with a bunch of pimpy looking dudes who conveniently drive him to meet up with the head of the Voodoo gang. I never knew criminals were so accomodating! Danny and the Voodoo guy talk and the Voodoo guy tosses some KFC bones onto a trashcan and tells Danny Glover that the killer is not of this world. Who knew the space cadet dreadlock crimelord would make the most sense of anyone in this movie? Danny Glover thinks that Voodoo guy has been smoking too much ganja or something (could explain the chicken wings) and stomps off back down the alley to his gangster ride. About two seconds after he leaves, the Predator kills Voodoo guy. Damnit, movie, for taking away the voice of reason!

Oh Voodoo druglord, I never thought I would say this, but I miss you!

The movie then cuts to Latina Cop and Bill Paxton on the subway. They are having a serious discussion about who might be killing all these people, when a gang of musical theatre looking toughs get into a Mexican standoff with a nerdy looking passenger in their car. Apparently, everyone in the subway has a gun. Things get pretty tense and then the Predator shows up and starts offing people since everyone on the subway is armed. Latina Cop pushes the innocent people down the subway car, but Bill Paxton stays behind to show the Predator he means business. Of course he does . . .

Bill Paxton, moments before his untimely - yet expected - death.

It’s time to sing the Ballad of Bill Paxton everybody!:
Oh Bill Paxton, you’re anything but fine,
‘Cause Predator is coming to remove your head and spine.
You know you’re always in the way when $h!t it hits the fan,
You get slaughtered by Aliens and then it’s Game Over man!
It would seem that you just have the worst, the crummiest of luck,
Like that time you were a vampire and got your ass crushed by a truck,
So rest up Dear Bill Paxton, I sure hope to see you later,
Unless of course you’re brutally killed by an angry Terminator!

So Bill Paxton dies and the Predator goes to kill Latina Cop but then through his crazy thermal scan, he can see that she’s pregnant and leaves her alone. The Predator is Pro-life! When Danny Glover arrives on scene, he weaves his way through the throngs of emergency people and follows a trail of blood (that apparently no one else has thought to investigate) to some sort of special room where the Predator keeps all of its hunting trophies. The Predator then gives chase and Danny Glover follows him . . . until he is headed off at the pass by Gary Busey’s special investigation team (one of whom is a very young Adam Baldwin a.k.a. Jayne from Firefly!). It turns out that they are alien hunters and are trying to capture the Predator themselves.

From here it’s mostly cat and mouse stuff so I’ll abbreviate:
1) They somehow figure out that the Predator can sense heat so they put on special suits to mask their body temperature, but the Predator figures it out and slaughters them all, save for Danny and Gary.
2) Gary hypnotizes the Predator with his teeth** for a moment and then gets offed too.
3) Danny Glover fights the Predator across a couple of buildings and somewhere in there steals his deadly frisbee.
4) Both Danny Glover and the Predator crash into a sassy old lady’s bathroom and she serves up some good ol’ country sass.
5) Danny Glover kills the Predator with the deadly frisbee and is presented with an antique pistol by the Predators who see him as a superior hunter.

Anyway, that is essentially the gist of Predator 2. I hope you enjoyed reading it and appreciate that I have filled you in on the important details so that you don’t have to watch it. I do, however, encourage you to watch the video below because . . . well . . . Predators breakdancing.

*This has since been remedied. Thanks for $4 DVDs, HMV!
** Not really, but kind of.

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Maybe it’s just me, but New Year’s Eve is kind of overrated. There’s all this pressure to make it some sort of ultimate landmark event when really, it’s just another day on the calendar. Happily enough, Boy feels the same way, so aside from the first year we were together where we, we’ve made a point of staying in for it and watching a movie.

This year’s New Year’s was marked with a viewing of the classic 1982 film Conan the Barbarian. Boy loves the stories of Robert E. Howard, so we picked up the double Conan disk at HMV to satisfy his curiosity. Unfortunately, the movie was so inaccurate to the stories he loved, it resulted in what I can only describe as nerdy hategasm.

Anyway, putting aside how the movie retained nothing but the Conan name, it was pretty awful. If you haven’t seen it, let me spare you the horror and give you the Cliffs Notes version:

The story starts out in a little Viking-looking village. Although it is supposed to be some primative time, everyone looks pretty clean and in fact Conan’s mom looks like she’s had some crazy lipjob.

Collagen, anyone?

The village is invaded by a bad army who torch and kill everything in sight.

At the center of the army is James Earl Jones. James Earl Jones is supposed to be the main badass, but instead he just comes off as ridiculous because:
a. He somehow decapitates Conan’s mom from like 10 feet away.
b. He is wearing the most horrible wig I have ever seen in my life. Seriously, it looks like they stole a wig from Cher’s tour collection and slapped it on his head, that’s how ridiculous it is.

"Do You Believe In Life After Love?"

The evil army takes Conan from his home into the desert where they chain him to some crazy turbine thing at a mill which then helps him grow up and turn into Ah-nuld who is crazy big and muscled. Now, never having owned a slave, perhaps there is some essential piece of knowledge I am missing here, but considering you are holding someone against their will, maybe it’s not such a good idea that you let them get so big and muscly that they could crush your windpipe with one hand. But then again, maybe that’s just me.

According to the trivia for this movie, Ah-nuld's arms were so big when they started shooting this movie, he couldn't hold a sword properly.

Ah-nuld is then sold to a dude who puts him in some Ultimate Fighting tournaments in which Ah-nuld slices up people so hard, they spray red paint (I know, amazing, right?). But even though he’s dominating in the ring, Ah-nuld’s ancient version of Mickey Goodmill isn’t happy with that so he sends him to the Far East where he learns to be a War Master by studying philosophy and poetry. Because, apparently, when someone is running at you with a spear, the best thing to do is quote The Art of War at them. Because that deflects weapons.

So, Ah-nuld’s master finally decides Arnie has paid his dues and releases him into the wild. While in the wild, Ah-nuld stumbles into a cave where he finds a sword all covered in rust. He then manages to bang the rust off in big chunks to reveal a pristine sword underneath. Does rust really work that way?

During his travels, Ah-nuld meets two thieves named Subotai and Valeria and together they steal this gigantic jewel from some cultists. Instead of leaving town and taking their loot with them, they stay in the town where they just robbed someone and the lady thief wears the jewel around her neck like a pendant. Good plan!

Although they have spoken a total of five setences to each other, Ah-nuld and Valeria make some magical love connection, so they hole up in some little shack where they writhe around and smear chicken grease on each other. I am not even kidding.

"Hi! My name's Valeria! I like long walks on the beach, fighting armour that really doesn't protect me and men who grunt!"

Sometime after their torrid KFC fuelled lovefest, Ah-nuld, Valeria and the other dude are spotted with the jewel (you think?) apprehended by the king’s men and are brought to the palace. Instead of getting in $h!t for stealing, the king commends them and offers them a quest to save his daughter from the cult.

Since Valeria wants to settle down and have a peaceful domestic life (women be crazy!), Ah-nuld sets out to do the quest by himself. Along the way, Ah-nuld runs into a crazy wizard whose name is Akiro in the movie but apparently Mako in real life. I didn’t think his stage presence was so powerful that he only warranted one name, but there you have it. Anyway, Akiro bobs along and cackles much like Rafiki in The Lion King and seems to serve no purpose until James Earl Jones pops out of nowhere and has his men crucify Ah-nuld on a tree. Ah-nuld’s thief companions find him there on the tree, bring him to Rafiki/Akiro and through some sort of crazy and poorly animated ritual, bring him back from the dead. Nice of them to give the dead guy another shot!

"Sorry, I would help you in your quest, but I threw my back out when I held you up on top of that giant rock."

After Ah-nuld sleeps off the last of his being dead, the trio goes to track down the princess. Apparently, she is being held at a palace where an orgy is taking place, but the people at the orgy are so clothed, it looks more like someone’s basement during a high school party. Dry humping abounds! James Earl Jones spots them and turns into a giant Muppety snake which they manage to fight off, but in the fray Valeria dies . . . or at least we think she does because it was at this point things got a little wacky and the DVD stopped playing. Now, it could have been a disc flaw because we did buy it for cheap, but I choose to believe that the DVD took mercy on us and decided to spare us  from having to watch Ah-nuld be emotional. Whatever the case, when we skipped to the next chapter, she was gone, so we assume she bought it.

Sorry, lady, Ah-nuld's bored with you, so out you go!

After Valeria’s death, Ah-nuld takes the princess and sets up a Home Alone style trap for the bad guys in the desert. He uses the princess as bait and the baddies fall for it, splattering red paint everywhere. As is the case in all action movies, Ah-nuld has one close call, but ends up being saved . . . this time by Valeria who has somehow managed to return from the dead as a disco valkyrie. She kills the bad dude and asks Ah-nuld if he wants to live forever, but instead of breaking into a rousing version of Alphaville’s “Forever Young,” she vanishes into the breeze.

I couldn't find a picture of Valeria as a Disco Valkyrie, so here is Alphaville. Gaze at this lovely photograph and wonder what the hell happened to them.

Sometime during the big fight, James Earl Jones ran away (perhaps to record his voiceovers for the last Star Wars movie?), so to get revenge for his lover’s death, Ah-nuld tracks him down at some crazy big temple. Instead of fighting back, James Earl Jones stands there lethargically and lets Ah-nuld behead him. You wouldn’t think that a beheading would be entertaining, but this one is pretty funny since the head they use looks like it was stolen from a mannequin in the Junior Miss department at Sears and makes the most hollow noise you have ever heard when it falls to the ground. I can’t say I totally blame the Foley guy though – it must of been a pretty sad flick to work on.

I'm showing a picture of the snake here because a) it's funny and b) this is as feisty as James Earl Jones' character gets. Mostly, he just stares at things or runs away.

The movie then ends with a shot of a bored and hairy Ah-nuld sitting on a chair as the narrator explains that he goes on to be king in another more interesting movie. However, having also watched the second Conan movie (which features Grace Jones as an Amazonian bad ass and Wilt Chamberlain as the protector of Kevin Arnold’s sister’s virginity – IRONY!), I can tell you that this never happens and that that movie ends in the exact same way. Boo-urns!

I like to imagine this is what Ah-nuld looks like when he runs the state of California.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading about our New Year’s Eve movie watching adventures! I watch plenty of other bad movies so I will be sure to write those up too to save you from having to watch them.

*If you have never experienced one in person, a nerdy hategasm is basically a cacophony of sighs, grunts and angry statements about accuracy and staying true to source material. I can’t tease Boy too much for having one though,since regular readers will probably remember that I experienced one when I watched the 4th Alien movie. HATE!

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