Then you don’t blog.
It’s been a little over a month since my last blog post and, I’ve got to say, it’s been one hell of a rough month.
Boy continues to go without response to his resume and as for me, well, let’s just say, I’ve had many interviews, but no job offers.
On top of all of that, I’ve been experiencing Family Drama, capital F and capital D. I privatized some old posts about my family issues a while ago, but I have decided to unprivatize them because I have finally realized the insanity of others is not my fault.
For those who don’t want to go hunting through the backlog, I’ll cliff note the back story: My mother has an anxiety disorder and refuses to acknowledge or deal with it on any level. My father in turn protects her from reality and makes excuses for her wacky behaviour.
So bringing us back to present day. Things have been very, very hard. I am not making enough money to support Boy and I through this time and neither of us can get new jobs so we’re in a bind. We had at one point discussed moving out of province, but as an in between measure Boy has applied for a job in a city two hours away. If he got a job with the company in question, it would mean that he would move there for it and we would live apart for a period of time yet to be determined (I think we’d discussed a minimum of 6 months or so). Needless to say, I have been upset about this. I understand the logic of the situation and if this wound up being the best solution, I know we could make it work, but it sucks. It just sucks.
So, being an only child, I wanted to do what I was used to doing growing up – talk to my parents about the situation. However, a while ago, I was told by my mother that she only wanted to hear about good news, and that if it was bad news, I should just keep it to myself until things were resolved. Now initially, I understood the logic behind this idea because, due to the anxiety disorder, she gets really upset about things easily. But the more time that went by and the harder things got, the more it hurt to keep everything inside.
So last week, My dad contacted me about hanging out when he heard how upset I was with the state of things right now (I am allowed to talk to him, but not my mom) and suggested we all go out for lunch or something. “All of us” meaning all four of us, meaning “you’ll be treated to a free burger or something, but don’t bring up anything that will upset your mother.” And I just couldn’t take it any more and I snapped.
I said that I wasn’t interested in going around pretending I was fine anymore because that ship has sailed. I said I was too exhausted to bother with coddling anyone and that if my mother was going to be involved in my life, she had to be an adult, stop making everything that happened to me about her and be supportive of me without caveats. I said that sensoring parts of my life because they were unpleasant was no longer acceptable and that the situation needed to be addressed, without any excuses because I needed my family to be there for me unconditionally. I said that if this could not be the case, then I would not be in contact with them.
It has been four days since I sent that message and I haven’t heard anything from either of them.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s disheartening to feel abandoned by your family during a time when you need them most, but in a weird way, it is also sort of liberating. I’ve spent a lot of my life getting tied up in what my family thought or felt about things, but taking them out of the picture makes things easier. I don’t have to feel bad or guilty or like a disappointment. I can just go through my life doing what I need to do.
Life is a messy business and it seldom turns out the way you want it to, but the people who truly love you make things easier. And love is not about being selective about the circumstances under which you’ll participate in someone’s life – it’s about getting your hands dirty with them and slogging through with them the best you can.
If my parents prefer to keep their hands clean this time through, well, they can continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Me, I’m going to get into the muck with Boy and try to dig ourselves out as best we can.