* Except there totally, totally is.
For a while now, I’ve talked about the idea of taking a yoga class since I fully acknowledge that I am out of shape. However, it always seemed kind of expensive, so I put off going. However, for Christmas, my parents got me a ten lesson starter pack for my local yoga studio, so I have gone a couple of times now with my dad. Since he comes in from the suburbs to go with me, it’s an excellent motivator because I don’t want him to have come all the way downtown to be blown off.
Anyway, I am no expert but here are the things I have learned about yoga so far:
1. It is best to shave/wax your legs before you go. Being in Canada with the weather being so cold, people are not quite so vigilant about shaving their legs this time of year because it doesn’t seem so important. Our general motto here in the Great White North: The sun shines in, you need bare skin; Surrounded by snow, you let it grow. Now you might think that wearing those soft full length yoga pants might save your ass, but you would be wrong . One big stretch motion, the pants ride up and the person behind you gets an eyeful of Sasquatch Shin. And do you really want to be know as the hairy hippie lady from yoga? I think not.
2. Yoga isn’t designed for tall people. Being 6’1″ comes with its advantages, but none of those apply when you’re on your mat (which is too small for your freakishly sized body). While other shorter people will be able to move through their poses with ease, you get to awkwardly shuffle through yours and worry about windmilling someone in the face with your extra long arms.
3. Your head will always be in the wrong position. During the learning process, you’ll want to look at your teacher to see if you’re doing things right but then they will chastise you for looking at them when you’re supposed to be relaxing your neck and looking downward. It’s a vicious circle.
4. A lot of the yoga poses have astoundingly similar sounding names that are only differentiated by a single vowel. This can prove to be slightly embarassing as it can lead you to sticking your ass in the air while everyone else stares at you with wide-eyed wonderment. (Not that this has happened to me, of course.)
5. You will feel more unco-ordinated than you have ever felt in your entire life. While your miniature yoga teacher will glide through the poses with ease, you will spend much of your time stumbling and trying not to fall over.
6. You will come to find that there are more muscles in your body than you thought possible. And they all hate you. The annoying part about this is that the muscles will lull you into a false sense of security by letting you breeze through a couple of poses and then, when you finally get comfortable, they’ll turn on you and you’ll wonder what on God’s Green Earth you did to piss off the little pinchy muscle in your abdomen.
7. You have a moment at some point in your yoga session where you will seriously fight the temptation to fart. The whole idea is that you’re supposed to be relaxing your muscles, but if you get too relaxed, your body might feel like it wants to crack one. However, the weird thing about it? People in yoga totally let ’em rip and no one even bats an eyelash! It’s a bit odd at first when no one giggles, but as long as you’re discreet about it, it’s okay. Unless you do it in someone’s face during downward dog. Then it’s just nasty.
I’m going again on Saturday, so maybe I’ll have more to add to the list afterwards, but these are my main seven. Here’s hoping I turn into a stretchy yoga pretzel soon!