Anyway, the movie starts off with Linda Hamilton (whose character’s name is Julie but I will never call her that) packing up boxes with some of her high society friends to donate clothing to a homeless shelter (dramatic foreshadowing anyone?). One of Linda’s society friends is giving away a red dress that they all covet and Linda Hamilton jokes about how she’d steal it from the homeless people if only she was two sizes smaller. Blah-de-blah-de-blah boring housewife talk.
Later that evening, Linda Hamilton’s dick husband leaves his coat on a chair and walks off. Linda Hamilton, of course being a saintly housewife, goes to hang up the coat when a note falls out of it’s sleeve (seriously, that is like the only place it could have fallen from because the coat didn’t have pockets) which turns out to be a love note from the husband’s 27-year-old-mistress. Linda Hamilton confronts jerky husband about it at his office (loudly with the door open) and he announces he’s leaving her.
Never one to give up her eternal housewife pluck, when Linda Hamilton meets with her divorce lawyer, she says she needs virtually no money in the divorce settlement (she settles for $25,000 even though he’s like a millionaire) because she just wants to get the divorce over with for her sake and the sake of her Stupid Daughter. She’ll get a job and be just fine! (Woohoo! She’s going to make it after all! Sisters doing it for themselves! Etc.)
So Linda Hamilton leaves the divorce lawyer’s and goes to this coffee/furniture shop where she befriends this Kindly Old Man who serves her coffee. Across the way, she sees a Stylish and Sassy Black Lady, who smiles at her but she doesn’t really speak to her because she’s too hoity toity or something. Instead, Linda Hamilton dramatically circles ads in the newspaper for apartments. For some reason, she circles a bunch of ads for Studios, even though her Stupid Daughter is coming to live with her. I guess the prop person realized how lame the movie they were working on was and just did the bare minimum.
During this apartment-hunting time, she goes out with one of her society friends who runs a design business. She commiserates with Linda Hamilton’s plight (being a working mother), but then when Linda Hamilton asks for a job, Society friend totally shuts her down and then stiffs her on the cheque for their meal. Burn, Linda Hamilton!
Bored and not sure what to do, she goes back to the coffee shop, where she and the Kindly Old Man appear to be the only ones present. They talk a bit about his business and whatnot, and out of the kindness of her heart, offers to spruce up the place for him so he can get more customers. Apparently, finding a job is not all that pressing and she can just do a bunch of stuff for free. I thank my lucky stars she is not my financial planner.
A Handsome Silver Fox Guy shows up while they’re renovating and does that whole “Aren’t I handsome and charming?” thing that men in movies do, but Linda Hamilton is having none of it and basically shames him into going away. In this moment, I think I might actually like her, but sadly, she heads right back to sucking before I know it. *sigh* Anyway, Linda Hamilton somehow manages to secure a ONE bedroom apartment and so her Stupid Daughter comes to live there with her. Stupid Daughter is pissed off. Now, not only are her parents getting divorced, but she has to live in an Ikea showroom apartment and she has to suddenly change from her prepster high school to one with kids with dyed hair and boomboxes! (Hair Dying and Boomboxes – Cliché signs of toughness since 1983!)
This whole plan lasts about five seconds before Stupid Daughter decides she’d much rather live with Dad, a revelation she makes during a surprise meeting at her old school with her old principal, her dad and Dad’s 27-year -old chippy. This meeting is a surprise to Linda Hamilton, because apparently, Stupid Daughter called her at work (she somehow landed employment at like a Photomart/Sears Portrait Studio) and lured her to the school claiming there was some kind of medical emergency. Being a whiny bitch is a medical emergency now? If that’s true, I know sooo many people who would constantly be in the emergency room.
Anyway, so Stupid Daughter is off with the Dad and then heads off to Spain for a semester. After she leaves, Linda Hamilton is left to stew in her own juices at the Photomart/Portrait Studio, but she doesn’t get to stew for long since, suddenly from out of nowhere, she is attacked by a random thug. For a moment, she fights him off with incredibly bad dubbing, but he is bigger than her so he knocks her down and steals her purse which contains all of her Christmas money! Man, Sarah Conner wouldn’t have put up with that $h!t! You kind of suck now, Linda Hamilton!
Because she is incredibly fragile now, compared to her Terminator days, Linda Hamilton is completely knocked out by the one shove and ends up in the hospital, admitted as a Jane Doe. After a day or so, she comes to and her purse is returned, so she has to go to see the hospital administrator about settling up her bill. The administrator is played by the same woman who played Dolores Herbig from Dead Like Me and although she starts off all nice and sweet, before you know it, she’s demanding Linda Hamilton pay the hospital $6,000 for her stay. See, this is where it would have done Linda Hamilton some good to claim that she had a sickly cat at home named Murray. That might have earned her some Brownie points right there.
After she gets discharged, she goes home to her apartment, only to discover that she is evicted because her rent cheque bounced. Apparently she banks at the dumbest bank in the world because they closed her account and turned all of her money over to the thug that attacked her because he had two forms of ID. Considering all the hoops I had to jump through to close my bank account and considering that the person closing Linda Hamilton’s account was A MAN, I am not quite sure that this was realistic, but whatever. Linda Hamilton is looking pretty gaunt these days, so perhaps there was some confusion. Anyway, Linda Hamilton tries to argue with Grizzled Landlord Stereotype, but no dice. She goes to sleep in her car.
The next morning, she walks up the street to an open house and attempts to steal a bunch of sandwiches from the welcoming platter. While she’s there, the Stylish and Sassy Black Lady from the coffee shop approaches her and calls her out on sleeping in her Corolla. Before Linda Hamilton can even explain, SS Black Lady jumps right up and volunteers that she too lives in her car (Vagrant Sistas 4 Eva!) and that the clothing she is wearing is from the shelter Linda Hamilton and her friends were donating to at the beginning of the movie. Shocker!
Anyway, seeing that Linda Hamilton is new to this whole homeless person game, SS Black Lady teaches her the ropes, which apparently involve eating samples at open houses and malls, getting your haircut during Stylish Homeless Person day at a local salon and partaking in a Homeless Person Workout which involves running up and down the stairs of an office building. I have three issues with this strategy:
1) Since there appear to be security cameras in said stairwell, wouldn’t you get busted by security for doing this?
2) Are six pack abs really a great concern for homeless people?
3) If your diet is primarily little sandwiches from open houses or little Swedish meatball samples from the grocery store, do you really want to go around burning away the few precious calories you ingest each day?
I know this movie kind of defies logic but UGH!
During one of their visits to the same open house (because apparently it’s not too conspicuous to show up at the same open house every week to steal sandwiches), Linda Hamilton and SS Black Lady are chatting with the realtor. Apparently the most forth coming realtor ever, Realtor Lady admits that no one wants to buy the house and that she’s sick of wasting her Sundays sitting in the empty house (The family who is selling it has moved overseas FYI) when she could be out at her son’s soccer games (Kids play soccer in December? Really?). SS Black Lady, seeing an opportunity, completely lies and volunteers Linda Hamilton to housesit during this time as they supposedly run a company together called Home Sweet Home which specializes in this kind of thing (Sitting in houses by themselves? Doing the jobs of lazy people for them? I don’t know!). Even though this would seem incredibly suspicious to anyone with half a brain, Realtor Lady is happy to have such luck and, without asking any additional questions, gives them the lockbox combination and flounces off. I kind of hope the house burns down while she’s gone. It would totally serve her right for being such a dumb ass.
Anyway, since we haven’t seen him in a while, Linda Hamilton pops back over to Kindly Old Man’s place where she discovers that Handsome Silver Fox Guy, who came around before while she was there, is actually Kindly Old Man’s son and has apparently been jonesing for a date with Linda Hamilton ever since.
Linda Hamilton, never one to let her homelessness get in the way of a good time, agrees to go out with him for dinner . . . but not before she stops by the Shelter and STEALS the red dress. It fits her now because of her crazy homeless work out. Woohoo!
So, decked out in her stolen dress and with her glamorous bouffanty hair do from Stylish Homeless Person Day at the salon, off she goes to dinner with Silver Fox Guy and he flirts with her in a way that was probably designed by the writers to be romantic, but actually makes me nauseated to listen to since he seems really enamored with the sound of his own voice and is already planning a bunch of dates for them. Yuck! I guess thinking this is the best a girl who lives in her car can do, or perhaps seeing him as access to a hot shower and indoor heating, Linda Hamilton is charmed by his behaviour and tells him a heartwarming story about her heart shaped gold locket (which she NEVER TAKES OFF!), before bringing him to a charity ball she helped organize B.C. (Before Corolla).
Showing up with Silver Fox Guy, who is a doctor, and rocking her stolen dress, she shows up all her friends and makes her husband look wistfully after her when she dances. Being homeless apparently makes you more desirable! Eat your heart out you 27-year-old housed chippy!
Anyway, he brings her “home” and totally slips her the tongue during their good night kiss, but after he leaves, she climbs into the car and tears up his business card because he can never know her SECRET SHAME! *sniffle*
The next day, Linda Hamilton goes to check the PO box that she rents with S.S. Black Lady and discovers that Stupid Daughter felt so bad about the way she left things that she’s coming home from Spain to spend Christmas with her mother (even though she just left at American Thanksgiving, because plane tickets are cheap like that). Don’t worry, Linda, if it’s a hatchback you can just put the backseat down and they’ll be plenty of room!
Linda Hamilton starts to panic, but discovers, thanks to Realtor Lady, that the house won’t be shown during Christmas so, quick thinker that she is, Linda Hamilton decides to basically squat in the house over Christmas. You know, as you do.
But before Linda Hamilton can have her Stupid Daughter there, she needs furniture, so off she goes to Kindly Old Man’s coffee house/furniture store and he gives her a bunch of free furniture to rent for “(her) new house” until the real furniture arrives. Kindly Old Man makes mention of his Silver Fox son being completely heartbroken she never called. Linda Hamilton smiles to conceal her SECRET SHAME, but says nothing. If I were Linda Hamilton, I would have told him to get his son to back off. Just because they went on one date doesn’t mean she’s indebted to you forever, Creepy.
Next stop after the furniture store is the pawn shop where Linda Hamilton pawns the gold heart locket that she NEVER TAKES OFF. She looks torn for a moment, or at least as torn as Linda Hamilton can muster through her botox, but, saint that she is, she can’t have her Stupid Daughter come home to no Christmas presents. At the Mall, she catches Santa’s eye during one of his kid photo sessions and mouths “I believe in you.” Instead of finding this certifiable, Santa laughs and winks back. Ugh.
After her Santa Shenanigans, Linda Hamilton returns to her squat house and sees the truck pull up with the fake furniture. She gets all excited and goes down to thank Kindly Old Man, but it turns out that Silver Fox, who apparently didn’t have to be doctoring anywhere that afternoon, is the one who has come to drop off her stuff. Stalker, much? Silver Fox almost immediate starts bugging her about why things never worked out with them after that one date they had, and apparently, the interrogation is too much for Linda Hamilton and she breaks down, finally revealing her SECRET SHAME to him (live in a car, no job, squatting in the house, daughter coming to visit, pawned locket etc.) She bids him a dramatic adieu and heads off to the airport to pick up her daughter because apparently she doesn’t need to lock the door or supervise the movers or anything.
However in the next scene, I guess it’s good she didn’t look the door because when she returns to the squat house, it is all dolled up for Christmas! It’s a Christmas Miracle y’all! (Or Silver Fox Guy trying to get into Linda Hamilton’s pants – you decide).
Anyway, Stupid Daughter and Linda Hamilton are having a glorious Christmas feast when another realtor shows up to show the house. She leads a cliché family (clean cut husband/pregnant wife) into the house and, when she sees the house’s interior, asks to speak to Linda Hamilton alone. However, just when you think Linda Hamilton is about to get her comeuppance for stealing and breaking and entering, it turns out that the couple love the house and want to buy it AND not only that, the Real Estate Company wants to hire Linda Hamilton to stage all of their houses. Hooray!
Linda Hamilton and Stupid Daughter are so excited by this that they open presents and have the best Christmas ever. Until Stupid Daughter ditches Linda Hamilton to go hang out with her friends. But even then, Linda Hamilton can’t be that annoyed because she discovers that Silver Fox Guy went to the pawn shop and bought back her necklace for her. (Wouldn’t he need the pawn ticket to do that considering she just sold it to the pawn shop yesterday?) Delighted that her stupid necklace has been returned to her, she goes to a pay phone to call Silver Fox Guy (even though she tore up the card he gave her) and discovers that he is in the hospital with Kindly Old Man. Oh no! But of course, since there are only five minutes left in the movie, this is a complete fake out and he is perfectly fine. Not only that, but all that hospital drama about Linda Hamilton needing to pay her bill seems to have been completely forgotten, so we jump ahead to the next year where we see that Linda Hamilton and Silver Fox Guy are together and that she and SS Black Lady have actually started up that Home Sweet Home business they lied about previously.
I have to admit, this ending kind of bummed me out since I was really hoping that they’d join together to organize some sort of Homeless Jazzercize program. Well a girl can dream, can’t she?
Anyway, I hope you got as big a kick out of/are as traumatized by this story as I was. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a much better holiday than the one featured in this movie!