When I was much younger, I used to love drama. I thought it made things fun and interesting. I mean who was interested in contentment? That sounded downright dull! I wanted the excitement and adventure that came with emotional uncertainty!
A prime example of this was my two year emotional rollercoaster of a whatever with The Mumbler. Looking back, the thing we had was all about road blocks that, instead of seeing as drama-plague warning signs, I chose to see as sexy obstacles. First, he had a girlfriend and it was all about the longing. Then, when they broke up and we got together, and it became all about the suppression since I couldn’t actually say how I felt for fear of scaring his commitment-phobic ass away. The whole way through, I kept pushing forward and convincing myself that angst was par for the course. After all, after waiting so long, I didn’t want to give up on things prematurely, did I?
What I ended up learning is there is a difference between giving up and realizing something is just plain bad for you. And staying in a relationship where I felt insecure and afraid to be honest was bad for me. It wasn’t who I was or who I wanted to be, so I stopped investing my time, energy and emotions in it, cut ties and moved forward into a happier and healthier life.
I’ve tried to keep this in mind as much as possible going forward in my adult life and it’s made things a lot simpler. Don’t want to deal with drama? Don’t invite it into your life in the form of dysfunctional relationships.
I thought of this all yesterday because I saw The Mumbler on the subway. It was one of those awkward things where I thought I saw him out of the corner of my eye and then when I actually looked to check if it was him, he was looking straight at me. Neither one of us said anything or made a move towards the other. We just held each other’s gaze for a moment and then, when the train pulled into my stop, I got off and left him behind.
As I walked forward towards my home and my family, I felt happy. It was a nice reminder that I am not that person anymore.