Way, way back in the day, I used to love John Cusack. Sure, the dude is 16 years older than me, but when I saw him at 14 in Say Anything, a serious crush flourished.
I mean who wouldn’t love a dude who (albeit fictionally) sends you blue enveloped post coitial letters and holds a boombox over his head under your window*?
So for sometime afterwards, I loved me some Cuse. Grosse Point Blank. High Fidelity. It was the Golden Age of John and I was on board in a big way.
Aw, remember how cute he was?
But then, I don’t know, the projects just didn’t seem as good or as fun. There were appealingly-concepted/weakly-executed movies (Max, Identity) and a string of half baked romantic comedies (Serendipity, Must Love Dogs) that I just couldn’t get behind and I kind of lost interest.
Anyway, this week his latest flick is coming out and I’ve got to say, while the other movies left me indifferent, this one actively bums me out because it looks like such a piece of crap.
First of all, 2012, you’re a special-effects-driven action movie. You do not deserve to run for 158 minutes. There are only so many explosions and collapses a person can endure and this is about an hour too many. Plus, that is a length reserved for war/holocaust pics and, don’t kid yourself, you are not that interesting or important.
Did someone get drunk and put all the budget money into special effects? Because it’s like things never stop falling! It’s like a still from Jenga: The Motion Picture!
Secondly, and this is directed directly to the Cuse, is your character a workaday limo driver or a world famous science fiction writer who people are aware of and intrust with government secrets? Because from what I have read about the movie, we’re apparently supposed to believe that you are both, which sounds either like someone didn’t edit the script properly or it is just incredibly poorly written. I mean if you are a writer famous enough to be recognized on sight, why would you be driving a limo? In his hayday, did Michael Critchon work at a car wash? Did Douglas Adams sell corncob pipes by the roadside? Of course not, so don’t try and kid us with this.
In any case, I think I’ll be skipping this one and I only hope things improve soon, otherwise, I fear my old-time Cusack love will be retroactively diminished. *sigh* Man, who would have thought eight years ago that I would be hanging my hopes on a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine?
*Yes this is a trailer for a real movie. It actually looks reasonably funny, but be warned, it is not safe for work (without headphones at least) due to language*
* Funnily enough, if this happened in real life, it would probably be incredibly creepy, but because it’s in a movie, it’s totally acceptable.