A while ago, I got in a big debate with someone about celebrity mustaches. Mustaches were kind of this hipster thing for a while and a bunch of people tried growing them with what I think were disasterous results. Because it takes a certain kind of face to pull off facial hair like that. Otherwise, you just kind of look like a douchenozzle. Anyway, out of boredom and out of bizarre curiousity, I sat down and started to think about who out there could actually grow one and this is what I came up with.
1. David Suchet:
I grew up with a mystery obsessed mom so Hercule Poirot was an early pop culture fixture in my life and I have carried around weird memories of Suchet’s mustache for years. I always liked how it was so dainty and perfectly sculpted. Shine on, you crazy crime-solving Belgian!
2. Geraldo Rivera:
If you’re younger, you might not remember, but Geraldo was huge in the ’80s. In 1986, he hosted a two hour live TV special where he was supposed to reveal the long hidden secrets of Al Capone’s vault, but that didn’t work out too well and all he found was junk. However, fortunately for him, he managed to recover from his journalistic blunder by hypnotizing us all with his big shiny mustache and scored himself a syndicated talkshow that ran for 11 years. Nice work, mustache!
3. John Stossel:
Another newsman, John Stossel took over from Hugh Downs as the co-host of 20/20. A more proactive host, Stossel practiced advocacy journalism and often times would go against the grain when reporting a story, but his wildcard ways made him a little more enjoyable to watch. In his time off camera, he serves as an inspiration, not only to children who one day dream of growing up to own a lipful of hair, but to kids with speech impediments (he is a former stutterer). Aw!
4. Robert Goulet:
He’s no longer with us, but our fond memories of his songs and his ‘stache live on. Goulet!
5. Ian McShane:
Okay, maybe this one could be debated because he also has a small soul patchy spot of facial hair, but damn it, it’s Al Swearengen and Al Swearengen does whatever the &%$# Al Swearengen wants!
6. Wilford Brimley:
He is a diabetes-suffering, oatmeal-eating, alien ass-kicker who wears facial hair like nobody’s business. Plus, he looks like someone’s jolly grandpa while he does it, which makes it that much more impressive.
7. Jason Lee:
The first time I saw Jason Lee, it was in the 1997 flick Chasing Amy. He had scruffy facial hair in that, but I never imagined the majestic mustache he would be sporting a mere 8 years later in My Name Is Earl. The few times I have seen him without it since the start of that show have just felt wrong. (As have the few times I’ve seen him without Ethan Suplee. They are a package deal now as far as I’m concerned.)
8. Burt Reynolds:
I suspect the inspiration for, and a guest star on, My Name Is Earl, Burt Reynolds soared through the ’70s and ’80s with nothing but a smirk and a stache. This look was apparently fairly popular with the ladies at the time and helped make him the number one celebrity of his day. Go figure!
9. Alex Trebek:
I know he shaved it off a few years ago, but as far as I’m concerned, this is what Alex Trebek looks like. If I ever watch Jeopardy again (my mother was obsessed in the days of Ken Jennings), I will stick a construction paper lip tickler on the screen if need be because I refuse to accept him otherwise.
10. Tom Selleck:
You know when you’re a little kid and you develop irrational crushes on older men for no reason? Well Tom Selleck was one of mine. He was 37 years old when I was born, but I couldn’t help but love Magnum P.I. and his mustache. It is just too awesome.
Anyway, that is all I could think of. If you come up with anyone I missed, feel free to leave them in the comments!