LeVar Burton: One Ice Cold Mutha . . .

Today has been a crazy day of downtown gallivanting, present-buying, spaghetti-eating, zombie-killing goodness so I am too tired to post much of anything . . . except this because it is too awesome to ignore. I always thought behind his book-loving,  Emmy-winning, space-adventuring facade, LeVar Burton was secretly gangsta.

(My apologies if you’re offended by the language, but sometimes, when something is seriously amazing, an f-bomb or two needs to be dropped.)

I Think My Work Scanner Is Racist

As part of my job, I edit flats of academic texts. We are supplied photocopies of our texts which we then scan so we can correct printing margins etc. Today, I was working on a book about Issues in Culture Sensitivity which featured a picture of a small white child dressed as an angel and a small black child as a devil. However, by the time I got it, the image was so degenerated, that it sort of looked like . . .

Shirley Temple and Mini Batman!

It is kind of horrible and fascinating at the same time because, while I feel the greyscale on the scanner is seriously messed up, Shirley Temple & Batman wouldn’t be a bad team. He could swoop around and distract bad guys and she could beat them up with an oversized lollipop.

It would be awesome.

Bad Messages From Movies

This morning, I came across an article on Wired entitled Top 10 Bad Messages From Good Movies which cracked me up. It also got me to thinking about a bunch of movies/stories I’d seen that also fit the bill, so I thought it would be fun to add on to the list. So without further ado, The Girl’s Top 10 (+ 1!) Bad Movie Messages.

1. It’s better to go for the hunky jerk who heartlessly dumped you than your friend who has always loved you and stood by you (Pretty in Pink). I have discussed my hatred of this movie before, so I’m not going to get into it again. Suffice it to say, Blaine can bite me!

2. When you like a guy, it’s cool to completely change yourself to be the object of his desire but he totally doesn’t need to do anything himself (Grease, She’s All That, The Entire Genre of Makeover Movies). I’ve railed on about Grease before as well and it still annoys me. I still don’t think the idea of promoting radical personal change as a way to succeed at relationships is right, but it annoys me even more when one party is expected to do it over another*.

3. If you practice hard enough, you will succeed at anything you try (Any Sports/Dance Movie Ever). Pretty much anytime a movie character wants to do something, all it requires is a little heart and practice and before you know it, they’re the best person in their sport/field! I’m not saying that this is a horrible message because it really isn’t, but it’s unrealistic and sometimes, people have to realize their limitations. You like basketball but you’re 5 feet tall? Chances are, as much as you practice, you won’t make it into the NBA. You shouldn’t give up because you’ll probably end up being good and having a lot of fun playing, but hanging all your hopes on it as a career path could be really disappointing **.

4. You can be kind of a shmuck to your wife and children, but if you do enough random stuff for people, they will help bail you out of your problems (It’s A Wonderful Life). – Maybe it’s just me, but I really didn’t like George Bailey. He was mean to his wife and he screamed at his kids so I didn’t really get what people thought was so awesome about him. Just because you’re all “Aw gee whiz!” – y doesn’t mean you’re not still a bitch. Also, while we’re at it, what kind of town was Bedford Falls if the absence of one person changed it from a cute little community to a rundown ghetto filled with booze and whores? If you ask me, there had to be a seedy underbelly there just under the surface if changing it was so easy.

5. You can be a pedophile, thief and a general wank and still be seen as a hero, as long as your friends are worse than you are (Trainspotting). Ah Renton. You might have had us all rooting for you, but looking back that’s only really because your friends are a con-artist, a psychopath and a weenie.

6. You can be a total bitch to a dude who likes you and he will still go out of his way to save you from kidnappers and evil princes (The Princess Bride). As much as I like this movie, could someone please explain to me why Princess Buttercup was the apple  of everyone’s eye? I know she was pretty and everything, but ordering Wesley around like that just seemed like a total power trip thing.

7. Insanity is just a form of quirky charm (Harvey, Rainman, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, etc.). It seems like there is an inordinant number of movies trying to convince us that insanity is just an illusion and the crazy people are really more sane than the rest of us normal folk. This is not true. Sometimes crazy is crazy.

8. Being a genius absolves you of emotional responsibility (Good Will Hunting, Rushmore). It’s totally okay to crap all over the people who love you and care about you if you’re smart. After all, if everyone else is to stupid to defend themselves against your abrasive intellegence, that’s their problem.

9. Sleeping with hundreds of women you don’t care about is a perfectly acceptable and romantic reaction to being rejected once by a girl (Love in the Time of Cholera). I really hate how a lot of movies like to romanticize the fact that the lead is a total manwhore by giving him the oh-so-sad backstory of being rejected by someone he loved. Your machismo is lame, dude. Grow a thicker skin, suck it up and move forward. You can still be happy without boning everything in your path (plus you’re a lot less likely to get chlamydia . . . which is good because that $h!t is everywhere.)

10. You can steal a car and lie to a bunch of people, but as long as you’re charismatic while you’re doing it, it’s totally cool (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). This is a major sign that I am getting older but Ferris Bueller is kind of annoying and a bit of a bully. Now when I watch, I can’t help but feel sorry for Cameron who spends the entire movie for getting hassled by Ferris and then ends up taking the blame for the busted car. That’s got to suck.

And the very special +1 . . .

11. Being deceitful, hateful, disrespectful and abandoning your children are desirable and sexy traits (Gone With The Wind). There aren’t many other characters that rankles me as much as Scarlett O’Hara. First, she tries to steal a woman’s husband away, then when that doesn’t work she tricks some other poor guy into marrying her to make him jealous. Then when her new husband dies, she gets upset, not because she misses him or is scared about raising a child alone, but because she can’t go to any parties! Later on, she ignores her child, tries to steal the same woman’s husband again, steals a man who is involved with her sister and marries him, kills a dude, and then, when she marries another dude (after husband #2 kicks it) who actually likes her in spite of all of her craziness, she’s mean to him too! This is a heroine?! Really?!

Feel free to add any of your bad movie messages in the comments.

* However sometimes the makeover concept does provide some good laughs as seen on Clone High. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Makeover!”

**For my money, the episode of Freaks and Geeks where Nick auditions to be in Dimension is probably the best example of loving something and failing at it.

Oh The Drama, The Drama . . .

When I was much younger, I used to love drama. I thought it made things fun and interesting. I mean who was interested in contentment? That sounded downright dull! I wanted the excitement and adventure that came with emotional uncertainty!

A prime example of this was my two year emotional rollercoaster of a whatever with The Mumbler. Looking back, the thing we had was all about road blocks that, instead of seeing as drama-plague warning signs, I chose to see as sexy obstacles. First, he had a girlfriend and it was all about the longing. Then, when they broke up and we got together, and it became all about the suppression since I couldn’t actually say how I felt for fear of scaring his commitment-phobic ass away. The whole way through, I kept pushing forward and convincing myself that angst was par for the course. After all, after waiting so long, I didn’t want to give up on things prematurely, did I?

Soulmates, schmolemates: If your relationship is plagued with problems and guilt like Joey and Dawson's, run screaming in the other direction.

What I ended up learning is there is a difference between giving up and realizing something is just plain bad for you. And staying in a relationship where I felt insecure and afraid to be honest was bad for me. It wasn’t who I was or who I wanted to be, so I stopped investing my time, energy and emotions in it, cut ties and moved forward into a happier and healthier life.

I’ve tried to keep this in mind as much as possible going forward in my adult life and it’s made things a lot simpler. Don’t want to deal with drama? Don’t invite it into your life in the form of dysfunctional relationships.

I thought of this all yesterday because I saw The Mumbler on the subway. It was one of those awkward things where I thought I saw him out of the corner of my eye and then when I actually looked to check if it was him, he was looking straight at me. Neither one of us said anything or made a move towards the other. We just held each other’s gaze for a moment and then, when the train pulled into my stop, I got off and left him behind.

As I walked forward towards my home and my family, I felt happy. It was a nice reminder that I am not that person anymore.

Prenatal Nerdery

I just sent this image to my Brother-in-Law . . . This is either going to be the nerdiest or scariest child EVER.

So far Smee doesn’t look much like anything in his/her ultrasound pics (except for a pirate ghost, maybe?), but it makes me think a little bit about what the far future Park baby might look like. With our chubby baby pasts, I’d put my money on Jabba the Hut.

I Would Be Tragically Uncool Then

I know this is old, but I was just thinking about it this morning, so I thought I would post it . . . “Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions” by The Lonely Island featuring Will Ferrell and J.J. Abrams.

Mark Wahlberg is wearing a hat!

Things That Shouldn’t Exist But Do: Boogie Town

You know how dance movies these days are always trying to show how tough the world of dance is? Well it seems like this movie has taken it to the next level of EXTREME*. Apparently, in the world of Boogie Town, there is a war about to begin and it can only be stopped by BATTLE DANCING! But the dudes who battle dance do it in such EXTREME way that they can actually be arrested for it. Yes, you read that right.

ARRESTED FOR DANCING.

I haven’t seen it so I can’t say too much about the plot, but from what I can tell, it’s like someone took Romeo and Juliet, Matrix, Dune and a Missy Elliott video and mashed them all into one horrible mess of a movie.

It’s got LOVE!

It’s got HATE!

It’s got RIVALRY!

It’s got BOOTY SHAKING, LIGHT UP SUNGLASSES AND STUPID HAIR CUTS!

IT’S BOOGIE TOWN!

*Anytime I hear anyone use the word “extreme” these days, I always think of the episode of Clone High where there was that creepy marketing team trying to market Extreme Blue to the clones. “Just sign this legit-ass contract! And totally initial article seven! My son won’t even look me in the eye anymore!”

Oh Lloyd Dobler, What Has Happened To You?

Way, way back in the day, I used to love John Cusack. Sure, the dude is 16 years older than me, but when I saw him at 14 in Say Anything, a serious crush flourished.

I mean who wouldn’t love a dude who (albeit fictionally) sends you blue enveloped post coitial letters and holds a boombox over his head under your window*?

So for sometime afterwards, I loved me some Cuse. Grosse Point Blank. High Fidelity. It was the Golden Age of John and I was on board in a big way.

Aw, remember how cute he was?

But then, I don’t know, the projects just didn’t seem as good or as fun. There were appealingly-concepted/weakly-executed movies (Max, Identity) and a string of half baked romantic comedies (Serendipity, Must Love Dogs) that I just couldn’t get behind and I kind of lost interest.

Anyway, this week his latest flick is coming out and I’ve got to say, while the other movies left me indifferent, this one actively bums me out because it looks like such a piece of crap.

First of all, 2012, you’re a special-effects-driven action movie. You do not deserve to run for 158 minutes. There are only so many explosions and collapses a person can endure and this is about an hour too many. Plus, that is a length reserved for war/holocaust pics and, don’t kid yourself, you are not that interesting or important.

Did someone get drunk and put all the budget money into special effects? Because it’s like things never stop falling! It’s like a still from Jenga: The Motion Picture!

Secondly, and this is directed directly to the Cuse, is your character a workaday limo driver or a world famous science fiction writer who people are aware of and intrust with government secrets? Because from what I have read about the movie, we’re apparently supposed to believe that you are both, which sounds either like someone didn’t edit the script properly or it is just incredibly poorly written. I mean if you are a writer famous enough to be recognized on sight, why would you be driving a limo? In his hayday, did Michael Critchon work at a car wash? Did Douglas Adams sell corncob pipes by the roadside? Of course not, so don’t try and kid us with this.

In any case, I think I’ll be skipping this one and I only hope things improve soon, otherwise, I fear my old-time Cusack love will be retroactively diminished. *sigh* Man, who would have thought eight years ago that I would be hanging my hopes on a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine?

*Yes this is a trailer for a real movie. It actually looks reasonably funny, but be warned, it is not safe for work (without headphones at least) due to language*

* Funnily enough, if this happened in real life, it would probably be incredibly creepy, but because it’s in a movie, it’s totally acceptable.

All Your Lap Are Belong To Us!

Whenever I flop down on the couch, Bean makes sure that I know that my lap is her property and that I am just here for her comfort and entertainment.

First she gives me the grump face.

Then the evil, upside-down “I’m watching you” face.

Then she falls asleep looking like a little angel.

But she will always make sure to keep a predatory paw on my thigh just to make sure I don’t get away.

It would be touching if it didn’t leave me with claw marks. I’m not sure whether or not this means I’m her bitch or not, but I certainly am a sucker for her crazy fluffy face.

**Sidenote: My husband, who works from home, was traumatized that I was actually writing a blog post about our cat, but just after he said that, he picked her up and in his talking-to-animals voice squeaked out “Come here, cutie bean! Daddy wants to snuggle you!” Now, I ask you, which of these things is lamer? **

Damn You, J.Crew!

While there are many good things about living in Canada, one of the things that sucks is that there a good many stores that Americans have that we don’t.

One such store is J.Crew*. I am kind of obsessed with J.Crew as I have bought a few things on trips down to the States and they’ve all been pretty cute and lasted me a long time.

However, the thing that I absolutely love the most is the dresses. In real life, I’m not an overwhelmingly feminine person, but there’s something about dresses that I love. They seem to keep everything tucked away just so that I actually like how I look in them as opposed to pants which oftentimes make me feel misshapen (according to the pant people, I should be my height but heavier or my weight but shorter.)

Anyway, this morning I got an e-mail from J. Crew about their new stock so I popped over to look and ended up crushing on two of their new dresses.

First a blue one . . .

I am a sucker for a blue dress and this one is no exception. Usually, I like a dress with more structure and straighter lines, but I love, love, love the soft gauziness of this one. It looks like it should be worn walking through a field of wild flowers or something.

Then, a fuschia one . . .

Again, not really the type of dress that is typical for me, but I like the colour and the kind of cute Parisian look it has to it. I don’t even mind the asymetrical bow on the front which, if you know me, is a big deal because I hate, hate, hate bows**.

Way, way back in January, I was hoping I might get a new job so I could buy yet another dress from J. Crew but as that doesn’t seem to be happening right now (stupid crappy job market!) I had to put that plan on hold. Will things pick up in time for me to purchase one of my new obsessions? I guess we’ll have to wait and see***!

* My number one obsession used to be Anthropologie, but the shopping gods were nice enough to put one of those in Toronto a few blocks away from my work. However, I have only been in once so far because I know if I went more often, it would leave me destitute (with a really kicky wardrobe!)
**I hate bows so much that, if there is even a tiny bow incidentally sewn onto a piece of underwear I’ve purchased, the first thing I do when I get home from the store is take out my nail scissors and hack the thing off. What the heck is it with lingerie manufactures sticking bows on everything? Are they worried that people won’t get that we’re women if our bras are bow-free? Because, seriously, I thought the boobs would help cancel out those worries.
*** However, if some kind Samaritan happened to have some extra cash lying around and wanted to make this size 6 blogger very happy, I wouldn’t object.